I Discovered You
by Quaxo
Summary: FINISHED! 7 New Chapters! 18-24: JD vs Jordan, Paige's appearance causes havoc, a rumor spreads, a house is built, C-Bear and V-bear have a heart to heart, Jordan's baby daddy is revealed, and the Olympics are watched.
1. I'm So Lost

Written for the letsdiscover community challenge over on LJ

Title: I'm So Lost

Rating: R for language

Prompt: #1 Go Somewhere New

Disclaimer: I own nothing, characters belong to Bill Lawerence

* * *

She wakes up to the sound of someone stomping around in the living room and frantic muttering. It's six in the morning on her day off, and she is _NOT_ amused. She throws open the door to the living room, preparing to give Turk or JD a piece of her mind. 

"Dr. Cox!?"

The red headed man turns and stares at her like a deer caught in the headlights. He's only wearing his boxers, a t-shirt clutched in one hand and his sneakers in the other. She's so surprised at his presence that she can't find anything to say.

Fortunately she's saved from having to formulate a response when Perry bolts out the door as if his feet were on fire.

She marches over to J.D.'s room and throws open the door.

"Bambi, you've got some explaining to do…"

* * *

She gives Perry a few hours to stew in his own juices (or more likely pickle himself with all the alcohol he apparently drank last night) after she wrangles the story from J.D. She takes her time washing up before she borrows J.D.'s car and heads to the hospital. 

There's always the possibility that Perry's at his apartment, but she doesn't think so. As much as he says he hates his job and the hospital, it's the first place he runs to when he can't cope with something. He practically lived in the hospital those first few weeks when he and Jordan split.

"Don't go in there…" Doug hisses in her ear.

"I can handle Dr. Cox," She assures Doug, who gives her a doubtful look before scampering down the hall, trying to put as much distance as possible between himself and the beast in the on-call lounge.

She knocks quietly on the door, mindful of the headache that Perry's probably nursing after his latest binge. She doesn't wait for a response as she slips through the door and locks it behind her.

At least Perry had the common sense to commandeer an IV and start pumping fluids back into his system. By now he should at least feel human. Thank god he's also managed to find a set of scrubs…

She sits beside the ball of human misery curled up on the couch and waits. If she pushes him right now all she'll get is a verbal beating. He'll talk when he's ready, she knows she just has to be patient.

_She barely suppresses a yawn as she opens the door to the on call. She starts a little in surprise when she sees Dr. Cox sitting quietly on the couch. Normally when he's in here he's watching some soap opera, but the TV's off. Odd. She grabs her packed lunch from the refrigerator and starts towards the door…_

_She can't shake the feeling that there's something wrong with Dr. Cox though. He's so still --- it's just wrong. She doesn't know him very well, they've bantered a couple times while they've treated a patient, but nothing more._

_The mother hen in her won't let her leave, so she takes a seat in the chair next to him. Bloodshot blue eyes flick up to meet hers ---_

"_Petey slept with Jordan,"_

"I slept with Newbie," he rasps out.

"I heard."

"Oh Jesus ---" Perry groans, and Carla feels her cheeks flush as she realizes what she said.

"I heard about it from J.D., this morning after you left," She cuts in before he can continue.

"I'm never drinking Jagermeister again," Perry mutters as he runs his fingers roughly through his hair.

"So what are you going to do?"

"Do? What the fuck am I supposed to do? I slept with one of my residents --- and not just any resident; noooo --- I have to go ahead and sleep with the most girlish hero-worshipping one of the lot. And—and---" He looks at her helplessly.

"And he's a guy?"

"Why couldn't it have been Barbie," Perry asks in a smaller voice. "Hell, even a return visit from Satan's mistress herself would be better than this…"

"So you had one homosexual encounter, no big deal. I'm sure that if you explain to J.D. that you're just not into that sort of thing he'll understand---"

"But I liked it," He says with an agonized whisper. "I liked it, what the fuck is wrong with me," he groans, pulling on his hair. Carla scoots away from him, recognizing the warning signs for an eruption from Mt. Perry.

First there was the lowered voice, followed by hair pulling. Next came the rising flush and a low growling, then…

5…

4…

3…

2…

"God DAMMIT," Perry yells, jumping to his feet and kicking the coffee table into the wall. Carla winces at the new decibel levels Perry's reached since the last freak out she witnessed.

She waits out the storm quietly, ducking the fluttering magazines. Perry burns out fairly quickly, even for him, and eventually slumps to the floor.

She finds the first aid kit under the sink and pulls out a set of rubber gloves and disposal bag, before kneeling in front of Perry. She gently extracts the I.V. needle from his bruised vein, then begins to clean and bandage it. He sits quietly as she goes about her work, back to staring sullenly at the floor. When she's finished, she strips off her gloves and sits in front of him.

"I'm too old for this," he mumbles, clasping his hands together tightly.

"Was it why you didn't go out with me," he asks hoarsely after another long moment moment.

It takes her awhile to realize what he's asking her. She leans forward and runs her fingers through his curls gently. It's a sign of how distressed he is that he leans into her touch, instead of tensing or jerking away.

"No, you definitely didn't set off my gay-dar; and I'll have you know it's pretty good at picking up on that kind of stuff. I mean, upon reflection the obsession with working out, the tight shirts and the curling iron suddenly make a lot more sense…" She trails off when he gives her a half-hearted glare.

"Look, maybe you've been gay your whole life and you've just been in serious denial; maybe you're just gay for J.D. He's a good guy, even if he is a little weird, and if you tell him that you're not interested, I'm sure he'll respect that." She pauses, trying to find the exact words for what she wants to say next.

"You can either try to pretend that the whole thing never happened, or you can pursue it and see where it takes you. The last long term relationship you had was with Jordan, and she's a sociopath. Most of the other women you've been with since her haven't lasted past date two. Maybe it's time you went somewhere new with your life."

Perry is apparently thinking about it, because he doesn't say anything.


	2. I'm a Glutton for Punishment

Written for the letsdiscover community challenge over on LJ

Title: I'm a Glutton for Punishment

Rating: PG-13

Prompt: #8 Look Behind the Curtain

Disclaimer: I own nothing, characters belong to Bill Lawerence

* * *

_**Intern Evaluation Form**_

_Intern's Name__: Percival "Perry" Cox_

_Evaluator__: Dr. Kenneth Benson (Chief of Medicine)_

_Technical Ability__: (9.5/10) Mr. Cox has shown himself to be extremely competent when it comes to basic procedures. After a rocky first few weeks he has learned rather quickly how to keep calm in crisis. He has shown an extraordinary devotion to his studies. His only weaknesses appear to be his difficulty with metabolic diseases and working in conjunction with other interns. In response to the former problem, he has shown initiative by pursuing all recent cases involving metabolic disorders._

_Bedside Manner__: (7/10) Mr. Cox has excellent bedside manner when he chooses; unfortunately a great deal of the time he chooses not to. He can be caustic and insulting to patients whom he believes are at fault for their condition. He still, however, does his job to the best of his ability. On occasion though, I have seen him be quite compassionate and sensitive to his patients. Perhaps at times getting too attached. _

_Notes__: While Mr. Cox's abrasive personality may be off-putting, there can be no denial of his dedication. He works hard, and is one of the brightest interns I've seen this year. His determination to be a rebel is one that hopefully he will outgrow with time and maturity. It is, therefore, my recommendation to the board that he be allowed to continue his residency here at Sacred Heart._

**Addendum by Dr. Robert Kelso****: Mr. Cox is a loud mouthed, disrespectful, arrogant hot shot who doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut. While he has shown early promise, his unwillingness to obey orders is a liability that this hospital cannot afford.**

_Addendum by Dr. Kenneth Benson__: Now Bob, just because he dares to disagree with you doesn't make him a bad doctor. I find him quite refreshing in comparison to the usual flock of whimpering interns we get._

"Whatcha reading there, Buella?"

"I was looking for one of my old case studies, when I found your intern evaluation," J.D. waves the portfolio in his hand. "You and Dr. Kelso hit it right off."

"What did I say about uttering that name," Perry mutters as he drops down on the couch beside him.

"Not in the apartment, or during personal time," J.D. sighs.

"Time to pay up," Perry says with a wicked smirk. J.D. rolls his eyes as he moves to straddle Perry's lap.

"You know, this isn't really punishment," J.D. grumbles before leaning in for the first kiss.

"Who says I'm punishing you?"

J.D. kisses him harder this time, nipping at Perry's lips, smiling as he feels the moan rise in Perry's chest. For a man being "punished", Perry didn't seem too distraught.

Large warm hands slide up his t-shirt, before resting on his hip bones. J.D. whimpers as Perry stretches him out on the couch, and settles on top of him. He loves the feel of Perry's weight pushing down on him, the hot heat of his body enveloping him.

"Mmnh… Jordan was wrong…" J.D. yips when Perry bites down on his neck.

"You are just a glutton for punishment today," Perry says in a husky voice, before bending back down to lap at the bite mark.

"You weren't like me as an intern, you were like Elliot." J.D. feels all of Perry's muscles tense up in an instant.

"Oh… danger, you did NAWT just compare me to Barbie…" Perry says, glaring fiercely down at him.

"Great technical doctors, but a little lacking when it comes to bedside manner; but you've improved so maybe there's hope---"

J.D. gags as a throw pillow is held over his face.


	3. I Can't Hardly Stand It

Written for the letsdiscover community challenge over on LJ

Title: I Can't Hardly Stand It

Rating: R

Prompt: #12 Reinvent Reality

WARNING: If genderbending in any way offends your delicate sensibilities, skip over this part RIGHT NOW

Disclaimer: I own nothing, it all belongs to Bill Lawerence

* * *

J.D. can't believe she's falling for it all over again. Dr. Perri Cox might be the smartest doctor at Sacred Heart, but she was clueless when it came to love. Why would she waste her time with Jordan, when he's just going to hurt her again? Doesn't she realize she could snap her fingers and have any man she wanted? 

She's so beautiful… her long legs, that fine ass, those big blue gray eyes, her sassy curly auburn hair in that sexy bob. Then there were the freckles… god J.D. just wanted to peel off her scrubs and count them all.

Even when she rants she's stunning; the way her cheeks flush and the cold fire ignites in her eyes. She's an Amazonian goddess _mmm… Perri dressed a Xena…_ Even though her words are vicious, they're proof that she cares enough to get angry.

Which is why J.D. can't figure out what she sees in Jordan. What J.D.'s heard from the gossip pool (i.e. Laverne and Carla), that jerk pretty much cheated on her through out their marriage. Then he made the mistake of sleeping with Perri's intern ("_She caught them in THEIR bed! And he had the balls to say it was her fault!" he could hear Carla cluck_). Jordan even collects alimony, because Perri earned more than he did. It wasn't like he even needed the money in the first place!

Jordan was an arrogant, shallow, self-absorbed prick. The way J.D. saw it, the only positive thing he probably contributed to this world was sitting on his ass once a month during the hospital board meetings. J.D. had to admit he was good in the sack, but that was no reason to keep seeing him!

Yet there she is, talking to him civilly, and even smiling at him. Smiling! J.D. would kill for one of her smiles, and she's wasting it on an unappreciative asshole who doesn't deserve to lick the sole of her shoes!

When Jordan pulls Perri into a kiss, J.D. snaps. Going in there and making a scene would be counter productive; Perri would just be mad about loosing face in front of coworkers. J.D. sends her an emergency page telling her to come to the fourth floor instead.

J.D. watches as Perri pulls away to check her pager, making Jordan roll his eyes. _Bastard_. Perri scowls and stomps off towards the elevators. Just before she gets there, J.D. grabs her and pulls her into a storage closet, and locks the door behind them.

"Newbie! You have two seconds to explain what the hh-eelll you think you're doing, before I rip you to shreds," Perri snarls.

"Dr. Cox, I think you're making a mistake," J.D. blurts out. "You deserve better than Jordan."

She looks shocked for a moment, but only for a moment. If she was mad before, she's furious now, her face flushing coral red…_Dammit! Why does she have to be hot even when she's angry? It's so distracting…_

"I don't think that's any of your business…" Perri hisses, pressing up against J.D. She looks mad enough to kill… and there's only one thing J.D. can think to do… kiss her.

Perri is apparently so stunned by the action, that for several long wonderful seconds she does absolutely nothing. Then she comes to her senses and slaps J.D. Fortunately, J.D. manages to catch her wrist before the next blow lands.

"You are a bright, passionate, intelligent, and incredibly sexy woman. I can't understand why you waste your time with a man who can't see any of that." J.D.'s surprised that the words come out so articulately. "You don't have to settle for him."

"So are you making yourself available?" Perri sneers, and twists her wrist out of J.D.'s grip. "Nawt interested. Now get out of my way."

It's suicidal impulse that makes J.D. pin her against the shelves and kiss her again. Only this time, she kisses back. Those thin lips that normally set in a firm scowl are suddenly soft and pliable. J.D. nearly comes when she lets out a small breathy moan.

"You can't--- tell me you don't--- want--- this," J.D. gasps between kisses. "I won't let you go back to Jordan, I won't."

"I never pegged you for the jealous type, Jennifer," Perri says in a husky voice as J.D. slips a hand down her scrub pants then between her legs. Perri groans and bucks as fingers feel the first gush of arousal.

J.D. whimpers at the idea of sliding into that slick searing heat. Jordan couldn't make her wild like this, not anymore. J.D. would ensure that he never got the chance to either…

"Pants off--" Perri mutters as she tugs roughly on the drawstring of their scrubs. J.D. looks down to help untie the knot, just as their scrubs puddle around their ankles---

_HOLY CRAP, WHERE'S MY PEEP!?_

* * *

"That was the weirdest dream ever," J.D gasps as he flops back down on the bed, one hand firmly grasped on his very real peep. _Thank god…_

"If it's weird even by your impossibly high standards, then I don't want to know," Perry groans into the pillow. "Now go to sleep." Perry swats at him sleepily over his shoulder.

J.D. sighs, and snuggles up to Perry _who is SO a spooner_. He can't shake the dream though… and since a problem shared is a problem halved…

"In case you were wondering, we make totally hot lesbians," J.D. whispers with a mischievous grin.


	4. I Feel Like A Kid

Written for the letsdiscover community challenge over on LJ

Title: I Feel Like A Kid

Rating: R

Prompt: #14 Be Kids Again

Disclaimer: I own nothing, it all belongs to Bill Lawerence

* * *

He doesn't know how he got talked into this girly bullshit… Well, that's a lie, he does know how he got talked into this stupid expedition. It involved a pouting J.D., his cute ass, and the threat of a sex embargo… 

"_Either you go with me and don't complain, or you'll never see this again," He emphasizes his point by turning around and slapping his ass. "Booyah."_

That was the problem of having a relationship with J.D. … There was just enough of a girl in him to be that cruel. Holy crap he'd thought it'd be easier to have a relationship with a guy… no need for cuddling, small talk, answering awkward questions ---

"_Do these jeans make my ass look big?"_

_Those blue doe eyes fix on him and he freezes. How does he answer this question? If this were Jordan he'd tell her 'hell yes, your ass looks bigger than ever' --- but look how that relationship turned out. If this were another woman he knows that the standard answer is supposed to be 'no'; even if it is a horrendous lie and those jeans really ought to have a 'wide load' sign strapped across the back of them… and possibly a flag car to warn other motorists… _

_Yes, the jeans do make his butt look bigger, but if he tells him that then it'll send him into a shame spiral: he'll have to spend a half-hour trying to get him back out of the closet and then they'll have missed the movie. If he lies and one of his girlfriends tells him the truth (Carla never can keep her mouth shut when she has an opinion), then he'll get it for not being honest. It's not as if the jeans make him horrendously unattractive ---_

"_Yeah," he grunts, before grabbing a handful of ass and squeezing, "Don't change."_

_As J.D. gives him a goofy turned-on smile, he congratulates himself for giving the correct answer for once…_

He stares at the round blank sheet of paper in front of him, and a tiny part of him wonders if all this is worth it. He used to spend his day off stretched out on the couch calling the commentators on ESPN idiots; now he was driving halfway across town to do art projects with his boy/girlfriend. People that used to be scared of him now snigger behind his back that he's just "compensating"; as if there's some sort of softy pushover he's been trying to hide behind his bad ass front.

It had been so much easier with Jordan; she'd never expected anything of him. She wasn't the romantic type. Sure there was the cheating and the mind games, but was that so bad in comparison to this? There weren't any stupid outings, or board game nights…

"Whatcha drawing…" J.D. asks, leaning across the table. Instinctively, he shields the paper with his forearm. "C'mon… I'll show you mine…" He holds up his paper… he can see a unicorn _sorry, horse with a sword on its head… as if that magically made it less effeminate…_, and two stick figures riding on it's back one with spikey brown and the other with a curly orange afro.

He opens his mouth to comment on the lack of artistic skill --- only to have J.D. snatch the paper out from under him. _Tricky little bastard_…

"It's blank…"

"This is stupid."

"C'mon, you're taking this too seriously --- didn't you color as a kid?"

"I liked hide-n-seek better…" He grumbled.

J.D. gives him _that_ look… the one where he turns and cocks his head like the damn RCA dog and squints at you, and you can see the little hamster wheels churning at max capacity behind his eyes as he tries to decide whether or not there's more to what you're saying than what's on the surface.

Then J.D. will start talking not-half-as-subtly-as-he-thinks about his family: how Dad was never there, how Mom was a whore (although J.D. will deny it to his last breath), how Dan was a terrible older brother --- trying to establish empathy in the hopes that he'll "open up" about his own past.

So his childhood was rotten, who cares? Childhood was overrated… honestly, he couldn't understand J.D.'s obsession with recreating it. Childhood was just that interminable period of eighteen long years where other people could punish you with impunity and drinking scotch was a something that could get you thrown in juvie hall. Why would he want to go back to that?

So why did he stay with J.D.? Why did he put himself through all the hassle of living with a god damned Peter Pan? Why didn't he just tell J.D. to blow this whole thing out his ass?

"Well, draw me then."

"What was that, Hildy?"

"If you can't think of anything else to draw, then you can draw me," J.D. said, batting his eyelashes obnoxiously as he posed. "Just don't draw me from the right --- it makes me look jowly…"

He heaves a put-upon sigh, picks up a black marker and begins marking out the contours of J.D.'s head; if only to shut him up for a few minutes.

He'd always hated art when he was in school, mostly because he'd been terrible at it… If J.D. laughed at this stupid drawing, so help him, he was going to rearrange his face until his drawing was a lifelike portrait….

The longer he draws though, the more he gets into it. He even finds himself trying to decide which blue marker was a closer match to the color of J.D.'s eyes. He never remembered art being so engrossing before ---

When he finally finishes, he realizes how awful it really is --- it looks like something a heavily inebriated 5 year old Picasso would draw. He's about to crumple it into a ball and make his way to the nearest bar to toast to his newest failed relationship when J.D. rips it out of his hands again.

He can feel all his muscles tense as he anticipates J.D.'s response. _What's this supposed to be? It doesn't look a thing like me; this looks like a piece of shit ---_ Then J.D. will laugh and he'll be forced to kill him.

_He's a doctor goddammit, why did he have to be good at anything else? You'd think being able to save people's lives everyday would cut you a god damned break. At least he didn't draw unicorns and then try to pretend they were manly. He wasn't in complete denial about his adulthood, trying to pathetically grasp on to the last strings of his childhood. Christ! Why the hell was he with this immature little kid ---_

"I love it," J.D. says, after kissing him.

He watches J.D. go up and hand over the slips of paper, then flirt harmlessly with the girl in the apron behind the counter.

He just doesn't understand their relationship: It feels like every day he's ready to throw in the towel and go back to living alone; then J.D. does something and he can't believe he thought something so boneheaded in the first place.

J.D. returns a short while later, two warm plastic plates in his hands and a grin on his face.

"See, told you this would be fun," J.D. crows, holding out his plate to him.

He looks at J.D.'s mismatched eyes on the plate and still thinks the entire thing looks like crap. If he didn't know that J.D. was incapable of deception except in life threatening situations, he'd have thought he was placating him like a child.

Being with J.D. made him feel like a child --- starving for any scrap of approval. There had been a time where he'd been the same with Jordan; towards the end of their marriage he could feel her slipping away, but was at a loss over what to do about it. But this terrible hunger for affection was almost constant when he was with J.D. …

He thought he did a good job of repressing it most of the time; then J.D. would drag him off on some stupid outing. A part of him was always terrified that he'd do something wrong and irreparably damage their relationship, because if there was one other thing he was good at besides being a doctor, it was screwing up good things.

"Love you," J.D. whispers just before going in for another kiss. The only benefit of being so desperate was that J.D. gave his love so freely. He'd never been given such unconditional love before… which made him all the more determined not to fuck this relationship up.

"Whatever, Georgia…" He grunts, after finishing the kiss.


	5. I've Lost You

Written for the letsdiscover community challenge over on LJ

Title: I've Lost You

Rating: PG

Prompt: #7 Find Higher Ground

Disclaimer: I own nothing, it all belongs to Bill Lawerence

* * *

"Well, it seems your wish came true after all, DJ," A familiar voice sneers from the doorway. J.D. feels all the hairs stand up on the back of his neck as Perry stiffens beneath him. "You should really change your locks, Perry." 

"Jordan," Perry grunts, pushing J.D. off his lap. "Wha---" Perry halts mid-sentence as he stares at the same thing that caught J.D.'s eye. "What the hell are you spawning in there?"

"It's a baby, jackass," Jordan scowls. "I've decided to take you back."

"In case you hadn't noticed, I don't want you back," Perry scoffed.

"I think that we both know that DJ here isn't enough of a woman for you." She purses her lips, sending a particularly vicious look at him. "Speaking of, DJ, why don't you just go somewhere and do whatever it is you do when you're not inspecting my ex-husband's tonsils? It's time for the adults to talk."

J.D. tries to glare back at her, but knows it's ineffective.

"I'm going to go make a sandwich," He mutters, heading into the small kitchen.

_Jordan always has the worst timing. It's as if she just waits until just the moment when you think things couldn't get any better, then she comes in and destroys everything… She's like the Godzilla of dream killers… _

_**Jordan's a hundred feet tall, stomping through the streets of Tokyo, crushing buildings indiscriminately. She spews fire at the helicopters circling over head, shaking Perry in her fist. Around him J.D. can feel the crowd fleeing for their lives, but he's paralyzed as he watches Jordan's massive stiletto comes down on him… **_

J.D. tries not to be concerned, but it doesn't quite work. Carla warned him about this… warned him of Jordan's weird power over Perry. This wasn't the first time they'd broken up, it wasn't even the twentieth time.

Undoubtedly the baby would only amplify her powers. It was the one thing J.D. couldn't give Perry... That was assuming the baby was his. Still, Perry was good with the kids that came into the ICU, so it might not matter to him. It was the chance to have a "normal" family with a woman that drove him crazy, literally sometimes.

_I'm not going to go down without a fight_…

* * *

He'd tried discreetly flirting with Perry all day: posing at the nurse's station in a variety of ways to best highlight his assets, bringing him his coffee just the way he liked it, seductively licking his soup spoon. Jordan would be right behind him though, doing it bigger and better, bringing Perry Starbucks instead of lounge coffee, devouring a huge cheeseburger in five bites _Her mouth is HUGE…_. 

Desperate now, he relied on the standard pen drop. He made a huge show of bending over to retrieve his pen, making sure to shake his ass a couple times for emphasis. After he stood up and tucked his pen in Perry's lab jacket Jordan "dropped" her water bottle.

_Honestly, _J.D. rolled his eyes, _can't she think of something original?_

Then Jordan ran off to the bathrooms, and when Perry followed, J.D. knew it was over.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Jordan. Jordan!" Perry sighs as he watches Jordan dash out of the restroom and toward the exit. 

He cared for her, even after the hell they put each other through, but it just wasn't the same as it was with J.D. With J.D. he wasn't wondering when the next trick was going come. He promised her that he'd be there for her if she needed help _since Daddy was probably going to be a no-show_, but that only seemed to upset her more…

Sighing, he dialed his ex-mother-in-law and told her to check in on her harpy chick. _I can count on one hand how many times I've seen Jordan cry… must be hormones_. He hangs up as quickly as possible to prevent his eardrums from shattering.

Pulling his pager off the waistband of his scrubs, he quickly pages J.D. to ask if he wants Mexican or Chinese tonight.


	6. I'm So Embarassed

Written for the letsdiscover community challenge over on LJ

Title: I'm So Embarassed

Rating: G

Prompt: #18 Break Out

Disclaimer: I own nothing, it all belongs to Bill Lawerence

Perry yawned, turning on the faucet and leaning over the sink to splash some cool water on his face. He grimaced when he felt the lumps under his skin.

* * *

_Great… just what I needed. You'd think at thirty-eight that this wouldn't be a problem anymore; obviously spending so much time with Marietta has given me a second adolescence._

He scowled at the red spots that were splattered across his face. Opening the medicine chest he pulled out his bottle of hydrogen peroxide and box of Q-tips, and a few minutes of digging around in the drawers revealed a bobby pin that Jordan had left behind.

He'd just started to press down on the first pimple, when a girly shriek nearly knocked him on his ass. He turned around to glare at J.D. who was staring at him as if he'd just killed his kitten.

"What are you doing!?!!" J.D. scolded, stomping into the bathroom and ripping the bobby pin out of his hand. It would have been much more effective if he were wearing more than his boxers. "That's terrible for your skin! You'll make it worse."

Perry rolled his eyes, there was no dealing with J.D. when he was in a snit.

"I thought you were a real doctor, not a dermatologist, Kirsten?"

"Well, some of us take _pride_ in their appearance…"

"Yeah, drop the act. Sleeping with me pretty much blows the whole 'straight' thing right out of the water," Perry said with a roll of his eyes. "If I'm not supposed to poke them, how do you make them go away?"

"Where's your benzoyl peroxide?" Perry raised an eyebrow and J.D. sighed. "What do you use to wash your face?" At Perry's gesture to the hand soap, J.D. let out a horrified squeak.

"You can't use hand soap on your face!"

"I am not using any of that girly crap you slather on ---"

"Well your system obviously isn't working. And I'll have you know that it says 'FOR MEN' right on the bottle---"

"Maybe if I stopped sleeping with a teenage girl, I wouldn't be having this problem."

J.D. let out a frustrated groan and grabbed his wrist, trying to yank him toward the toilet. "Sit down."

Seeing as he probably wasn't going to get out of whatever J.D. had planned without get nagged for the next week, he gave in and sat down. J.D.'s skin was remarkably clear…

Anyway, he hadn't had his morning coffee yet, which completely excused his lack of resistance.

J.D. dug around in his three-quarters of the medicine cabinet before extracting a small tube. He bit his tongue and let J.D. smear some of the clear gel on his face. It stung a little, and the crusty feeling it left behind was unpleasant, but he assumed J.D. knew what he was doing.

"Okay, that should be a start on it. I'll pick up some products for you this afternoon, and we'll fix this tonight," J.D. clucked, putting the tube carefully back with all the other seemingly identical bottles. "Now don't pick at them."

"Yes, mother…" Perry muttered, pushing past J.D. to head to the kitchen.

Working at the hospital was hell… He lo—liked Carla, but he was pretty close to choking her after she asked how much he was masturbating, to get so many pimples. Of course she had to say it in front of her crony Laverne, who the proceeded to glare and mention something about Jesus that he tuned out.

By the time he made it home, he was fed up. He could swear the interns were taking him a little less seriously when he yelled at them with these throbbing pimples on his face. Kelso congratulated him on finally hitting puberty and started in on what was probably a very disturbing story before he fled into a patient's room.

He grasped the door handle, only to jerk his hand away when he noticed that it was warm. Frowning, he opened the door, and was blasted by a wave of moist heat.

"There you are…" J.D. purred, strolling up in a bathrobe and pecking him on the cheek.

"What the hell's going on, Harriet?"

"You know, stress causes a majority of acne flare-ups," J.D. husks before pulling him into the bedroom.


	7. I KNEW IT!

Written for the letsdiscover community challenge over on LJ

Title: I Knew It!

Rating: G

Prompt: #10 Buy Into A Good Story

Disclaimer: I own nothing, it all belongs to Bill Lawerence

* * *

"What the---" J.D. raises an eyebrow as he pulls out a stack of six books from underneath the bed. The Harry Potter series... They aren't his, because the first four are paperbacks, and he only buys the hardcover editions. 

They have to be Perry's: he's the only other one living here (obviously), and it's his side of the bed. _Finally! Something we have in common besides medicine_…

"I didn't know you read Harry Potter," J.D. smirks as he enters the living room, holding up one of the books as evidence.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Eileen," Perry grunts, his eyes never leaving the baseball game playing on the television.

"Well, this isn't my book, so it has to be yours," J.D. says triumphantly, standing in front of the television. He has Perry cornered on this one…

"Move, before I am forced to hurt you," Perry growls, eyes narrowing. "And it's Jack's anyway."

J.D. flops down beside Perry with a sigh. "You know, it's perfectly okay to like Harry Potter. Lots of guys do…"

"You including yourself in that group there, Janice?" Perry scoffs, his eyes still glued to the television. J.D. finds himself pouting, which is less effective than it normally is because Perry isn't looking at him.

"Anyway, Jack can't read."

"I know, Jordan wanted me to read them to him before bed…"

"These books are way too mature for him! Is she trying to scar him!?!" Perry gives him a side glance that clearly states: _Ah DUH_.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist, Patsy. I didn't read them to him."

"You expect me to believe those are Jack's books," J.D. asks suspiciously, he just can't quite believe it.

"Yes! Now either shut up or go somewhere else, I'm missing the game."

J.D. lets it drop _for now_, but he knows there's more going on. He tries to subtly insert Harry Potter into their conversations, deliberately misquoting to see if he can catch him out. But for the first time since J.D. can remember, Perry doesn't correct him. By the end of the week he almost believes that Perry was telling the truth all along…

Unfortunately, he pulls graveyard duty the night the final book comes out. He tries desperately to switch off with anybody, but no luck. The Janitor's been following him around for the last two days, threatening to read the ending to him off the pirate copy he downloaded off the internet. So far he's been lucky and managed to shut the door before the Janitor can say anything… but it's only a matter of time.

"So, you're going to pick up the book for me tonight, aren't you," J.D. asks as he laces up his shoes.

"No," Perry replies, not bothering to look away from the game of women's volleyball.

"You promised me!"

"Why would I do that, Katy? Go get it yourself."

"That's fine, I guess. I really didn't like going down on you anyway…"

Perry's head whips around so fast, J.D.'s surprised he doesn't have whiplash.

"Oh, now that is just cruel, Catherine."

"Are you going to get it for me, or not?"

Perry glares at him for several long moments, and J.D.'s almost afraid that he'll refuse. _I like the way he tastes…_ Then he lets out a loud groan and turns back around to the television.

"Fine, I'll get the goddamn book. You owe me," Perry says with a manly sulk that J.D. wishes he could pull off.

Inwardly cheering, J.D. comes over a kisses Perry on top of the head. "Thank you,"

"Whatever."

He almost out the door before he decides to remind Perry one more time. "It comes out at midnight… you're probably gonna want to get there around 10:30 before the line gets long…"

"Yeah, yeah… go," Perry grunts.

It's 5:16 AM when the janitor finally corners him in a supply closet (_does the man ever sleep?_) and tells him what happens. The small breakdown he has afterwards convinces the other doctors on that night to send him home early since things have been pretty quiet.

On the ride back home he manages to convince himself that the Janitor has lied, or that the version is wrong _Scholastic released the books early with the wrong ending so they can catch the bastards who would do such a thing…_

He frowns when he realizes that the door to the apartment is unlocked, Perry always locks it before he goes to bed… Perry must have woken up early and got the newspaper… only it's still lying on the mat. Which means he didn't sleep… and J.D. knew why.

"AH HAH!" J.D. cries as he burst through the door. Perry is so startled by his sudden entrance that he falls off the couch, clutching a familiar orange book to his chest. "I knew you liked Harry Potter! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!"

"No, I don't!" Really, it's kind of sad how he's denying it now.

"You liar!" J.D. narrows his eyes, and stands over Perry, whose thumb is stuck in the middle of the book, holding his page.

"Admit you like Harry Potter, or I'll tell you how it ends." The way Perry blanches tells J.D. everything he needs to know.

"Fine, I like Harry Potter, are you happy now," Perry grumbles, pulling himself back onto the couch and reopening the book.

J.D. smiles, and sits beside him. "So who's your favorite character? I like Harry, he's awesome… Dumbledore's pretty cool too, I was really sad when he died. Hermione reminds me of Elliot sometimes… So who's yours?"

Perry looks up from the book and cocks an eyebrow. "Snape, of course,"

J.D. rolls his eyes, "You would."


	8. I Got Your Number

Ditto earlier disclaimer.

Takes place soon after Chapter 1

* * *

"Hey there, Theresa, when you're finished comparing notes on your latest shade of nail polish with your girlfriends, why don't you go do the job you get paid to do?"

J.D. resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He'd kept his mouth shut about _that_ night on Carla's advice, deciding to wait until Dr. Cox came to him. Pursuing Dr. Cox would only drive him away, according to Carla, he'd just have to learn to be patient. Because having a relationship with Dr. Cox would have to involve a lot of patience on his part.

Dr. Cox, however seemed determined to pretend the whole night never happened… which was a shame because J.D. couldn't stop fantasizing about the bits he remembered _and the bits he didn't…_

After a day or so of completely avoiding him, Dr. Cox had started the name-calling again… only something was different. The insults weren't more vicious, as he'd expected. They were more frequent, if that were possible. Before that _wonderful_ night, Dr. Cox never willing interacted with him. He only spoke to J.D. when he needed him to do something, or he couldn't resist inserting his own commentary into a conversation. Now it seemed J.D. couldn't go anywhere in the hospital without Dr. Cox being right behind him, his mouth open to let loose another insult.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say he was flirting with you…" Elliot snickered.

"Why do you say that," J.D. asked, looking up from the chart he was working on.

"Well… he's going out of his way to make fun of you. Normally you'd have to do something to get his attention…" Elliot looked at him as if it should be obvious.

"Pulling your pigtails…" Carla snickered.

"What?"

"C'mon Bambi, don't tell me you didn't pull pigtails?"

"Yeah, Jimmy Walker pulled mine all the time in second grade… until he tugged too hard and yanked one out," Elliot blinked at both J.D. and Carla's stares. "He was really sweet about it though," Elliot said with an awkward smile.

"Why would he do that? That's just mean…"

"Because he liked her, Bambi! Sometimes when _boy_ likes a girl, he tries to get her attention any way possible."

"I bet Dr. Cox pulled a lot pigtails…" Elliot snorted. "But I don't think you have anything to worry about J.D. … he's probably just bored."

It made J.D. wonder though… It made sense, depending on how you looked at it. If Dr. Cox were interested in him, then he probably would go around the hospital bothering him incessantly. However, if Dr. Cox weren't interested in him, then he might go around harassing him to make sure J.D. got the point. Well there was only one way to find out…

He'd made sure the lounge was cleared out before he slipped in near the end of Dr. Cox's shift. He didn't think Dr. Cox would be able to resist one last parting shot before going home to do whatever he did…

He didn't need to wait long before Dr. Cox came through the door.

"Say Maggie---mmph!" was all Dr. Cox was able to get out before J.D. kissed him, pushing him back against the shut door. It was hard, rough, and somewhat difficult since Dr. Cox seemed to be frozen solid. Still, J.D.'s tongue was tickling his molars _sun dried tomatoes and pesto yum!_ and he hadn't bitten him yet, so that had to be a good sign.

Eventually J.D. found the willpower to break off the kiss. Perry was looking at him with wide eyes, but there didn't seem to be any homicidal fury in them (J.D.'d been on the receiving end of that look waaaay too often). Still, he was determined not to make the next move.

Perry's eyes flitted around the room, refusing to make direct eye contact with him. He opened his mouth a couple times, about to say something, only to close it again. _He's speechless,_ _that's a miracle_.

"Well, took you damn near long enough, Darlene," Dr. Cox scoffed.

"I've got your number now…" J.D. murmured before leaning in for another kiss. This one was much gentler, which Perry enthusiastically joined in. He pulled a slip of paper from his pocket and pushed it into Perry's hand before pulling away.

"Now, you have mine," J.D. smirked, before stepping back into the corridor.


	9. I Make the Rules

Ditto earlier disclaimer.

Takes place soon after the events of Chapters 1

* * *

If they were going to be in a _gag_relationship together, there were going to have to be rules. Firm, iron-clad rules that they'd have to abide by _especially J.D._, if this… thing was ever going to work. They both knew it, and agreed, like rational, sensible men. Perry supposed that was one of the advantages to having a _shudder_ relationship with another man. A woman would never agreed to any of this, while J.D., as girly as he was, had agreed with no arguments. He could get used to this.

First off had been the "no nicknames" policy, the exception being at work, where Perry could call him whatever girls name occurred to him. If he stopped teasing J.D. everyone would know something was up. He compromised by promising to not call J.D. nicknames in his head. The benefit of this rule was that he'd never be saddled with 'Per' or 'Per-bear' ever again.

Second had been the "no handholding, no kissing--- Hell, let's just make it a simple NO TOUCHING" rule. This was serious, because everyone knew that Perry didn't like to be touched, and J.D. was prone to acts of physical affection. Nothing better to blow your cover than being caught holding hands with another guy as you walked down the hallway.

Third and most importantly had been "No talking about their relationship to anyone, especially not Carla" rule. This rule (like all the others) was in place for J.D…. Perry knew he was emotionally constipated, the chances of him leaking anything more personal than his picks for the playoffs was none to zilch. J.D. however had a terrible and chronic case of emotional and verbal diarrhea. The "Carla" part was important because while she had kept their secret so far, the more details she got the more likely she would be to spill it to her cohort Laverne. Then they could kiss that whole "keeping things on the down low" goodbye.

He just hadn't realized how hard it was going to be for _him_. J.D. seemed to be abiding by the new rules easily--- _he_ was the one having problems following them. He'd not broken one yet; but he'd been dangerously tempted to play footsie with J.D. under the table at lunch today.

Then there was last week, when Carla and Elliot had been swapping stories about their love lives and he had felt the oddest compulsion to _yech_ join in. Fortunately, he'd managed to smash himself in the head with a clipboard before the words had slipped out.

Now, however he was being faced with the worst temptation of all, and this one was definitely J.D.'s fault. Okay, so maybe J.D.'s four patients who died today, had some responsibility. But it was J.D.'s fault for wearing that crushed expression; it made him _ga-vomit_ go and comfort him. And not like he usual comforted interns in these situations ("_People die, quit your sniveling and get over it. No one likes a cry baby. Now go get me some coffee, and make sure to keep your tears out of it! I hate salty coffee."_).

"I know, I know '_Snap out of it, Clarice. Pull up your panties and get out there and do your job'._ I just need a couple minutes, 'kay?"

J.D.'s shocked when Perry kisses him.


	10. I Made It

Ditto earlier disclaimer.

04. Do What Can't Be Done

He'd started knitting because of scarves. There simply weren't enough manly scarves out there that weren't boring. Learning how to knit had seemed like the perfect answer to his problems. Who knew… he could make a whole fashion empire out of them, and have his own show on QVC…

It'd been difficult at first, he'd nearly gouged his own eye out a couple of occasions… and one time he'd fallen asleep while knitting; only to wake up when he realized that he'd hogtied himself in his sleep.

He thought he had the hang of it. He could knit like lightening now. So he'd decided to challenge himself and make a sweater for Perry's birthday. It would be something personal, proof of his love. A love sweater.

He was rethinking that decision now. The first difficulty had been deciding the right color for Perry… He'd thought green would contrast rather nicely with his hair, but Perry would probably complain about looking like a Christmas present. His next thought had been gray, since it was one of Perry's favorite colors; but it was so dull J.D. was sure he'd fall asleep if he had to knit it. Blue was a possibility, but it would probably too closely resemble their scrubs.

He'd decided upon orange, like the highlights Perry got in his hair in the summer, and it'd nicely contrast with his blue eyes.

Next had come the whole drama over finding the right size needles to get the stitches the right size. He'd had to buy four sets before he finally got it right.

Only to realize that the pattern was WAY over his head. Desperate for assistance he'd turned to online knitting group and explained his situation.

That's when they told him about the sweater curse: If you knit a sweater for your man, your relationship is doomed. Why didn't they print important things like that with the patterns? He would have knitted a hat if he'd known.

Fortunately, someone told him that if he knitted in a strand of his hair he should be safe. Which was a relief because he didn't know what he was going to do with 15 balls of orange yarn otherwise. To be extra sure that the curse wouldn't take he'd woven about twenty hairs in.

He'd managed, barely, to get the sweater together in the early morning hours before Perry's birthday. He'd been so relieved that he'd thrown it in the box and wrapped it, intent on giving it to him to wear that morning.

He didn't have to wait long, because Perry was up a half-hour later to get ready for his morning shift at the hospital.

"Mornin'…" Perry grunts, stumbling toward the coffee maker. He looks so adorable when he first gets up; the way he rubs at his face, his eyes squinted tightly against light.

"Happy Birthday!" He didn't mean to say it so perkily (because Perry REALLY hates perkiness before his first cup of coffee), but he's just so excited (and he's had three red bulls in the last two hours).

"Why the fuck are you so cheery…" Perry must be really tired if he can't even add on a girl's name.

"I got you something…" J.D. can't help but singsong.

"Gimme minute…" Perry lets out a bone cracking yawn as he pours himself a large cup of coffee.

J.D. never noticed, until today, how very incredibly LONG it takes Perry to wake up and finish his cup of coffee. Of course, he was stuck working until 11 o'clock last night… but still.

Once Perry's eyes have cleared enough that he looks mostly awake, J.D thrusts his gift towards him.

"What is it?" Perry asks, staring at the Sesame Street wrapping paper (left over from Jack's birthday).

"Open it!"

J.D. feels himself bouncing in his seat as Perry carefully pulls off the tape _why won't he just rip into it like the normal person?!?!!!_

Perry's eyebrows shoot to his hairline as he _finally!!!_ opens his gift. J.D. thinks it's a good kind of surprise… if only because Perry hasn't said anything to the contrary.

"Well? Go try it on!!" Perry nods, grabs the sweater out of the remains of the wrapping and heads off to the bathroom.

J.D.'s stomach is twisting in knots as he waits for Perry to come back out. Does he like it? Does he hate it? Is he trying to crawl out the window to escape…

The bathroom door creaks open and Perry steps out wearing look that only those who have known him awhile can identify: polite restraint. J.D.'s eyes wander down to the sweater, eager to see how it looks----

---- and nearly pees himself laughing. The orange he thought would look so nice on Perry in fact contrasts horribly with his skin, making him look sunburned or drunk. The sizing is all off… Perry has to shop at the big and tall, and J.D.'s never seen something hang so loosely over his shoulders… It's like a big orange tent. Oh god, it's just awful…

"It's an orange nightmare," J.D. cackles.

Perry blows a loud sigh of relief. "Can I take it off now? It itches."

"Yeah…" J.D. chuckles, standing and helping Perry out of the monstrosity.

"You weren't going to say anything, were you," J.D. asks as he pulls back from the kiss.

"Hell no!! And ruin the chance of getting another present," Perry smirks, grabbing J.D.'s ass. "But stick to knitting scarves, Lily, okay?"


	11. I Never Knew

Ditto earlier disclaimer.

11. Turn Gravity Off

"Humidity's rising --- barometer's getting low. According to our sources the street's the place to go---" Whenever he heard this song, J.D. couldn't help singing along, or dancing. It was just so… sing-y and dance-y. And the acoustics in the shower were awesome.

J.D. was pretty sure it was a song that almost no one could resist ---

"Cause tonight for the first time, it's gonna start raining men!" J.D. wasn't quite prepared when his theory was proven as Perry's baritone joined in quietly.

His first thought was that Perry had a pretty decent voice and that they should go to enter a karaoke competition. His second was that it couldn't possibly be Perry, because Perry wouldn't ever listen to, let alone sing along with, something so… typically gay. _Maybe a pod person ate Perry and they're using his body to trick me so they can eat me too. Only they can't resist disco music, because it's practically holy on their home planet…._

"…Perry?"

"What, Susannah," Perry grumbled from the sink. Probably not a pod person then, because they would probably forget to call him by girl's names _Never thought I'd be thankful for that…_

"Uhm… I didn't know you liked Aretha Franklin…"

"It's The Weather Girls," Perry muttered.

"No it's not…"

"Is too, I used to dance to it all the time."

"… dance?"

"Yeah, how the hell did you think I paid for medical school? Not working at McDonald's that's for sure."

J.D. nearly chokes at the image of Perry in a tight little speedo thong that appears in his mind. _Oh God…he'd have that sexy little smirk on his face and ohmygod…_ Mr. Peep apparently likes the image to, as he stands at full attention. _I wonder if he'd give a show for old times sake…_

"You were a Chippendale?" J.D. winces when his voice cracks.

"NO, Clarissa. You're so gullible sometimes. I used to go to the gay nightclubs in college."

Oh, now nothing makes sense at all… and Mr. Peep isn't helping him think clearly, not with the picture of Perry in a thong still running through his mind _grinding against poles, you dirty diirttay man…_

"I – I though you didn't --- y'know… 'know' before---"

Perry lets out a long exasperated sigh.

"Gay night clubs had cheap booze, good music, and tons of horny fag hags. It was a great way to get drunk and get laid on a college budget."

J.D.'s feels disappointed at that explanation. He rather liked the idea of Perry being a stripper, and so did Mr. Peep…

"Oooh… looks like you've got a little something to take care of there…" Perry snickers after he pulls back the shower curtain, staring at J.D.'s raging hard on because stripper!Perry just won't leave him alone!

"You're a jerk."

"I'm hurt, Marilyn, absolutely hurt," Perry says in a playful voice, dropping the curtain back into place. "Here, let me help you with that…"

For a moment J.D. hopes that Perry will strip off and get in the shower and they can---

His fantasy is interrupted by the sound of a flushing toilet and a sudden blast of freezing water that makes J.D. scream.

"I hate you!"

"Love you, too," Perry laughs before walking out.


	12. I WIN

Ditto earlier disclaimer.

16. Play A New Game

"It's in. Only you and a blind man would call that an out."

"I'm telling you, it went over the big white line, it's out."

"You don't even know what I'm watching!"

"You're watching football! I'm not that dumb…"

"You're dumb enough to call that out, when it's clearly in."

"Out."

"In!"

"… and the ref makes the call: the ball is out of bounds. As you can see in the replay, Jim, the ball is clearly over the line as Micheals catches it…" the television chimes in.

Perry is instantly screaming at the referee and the commentators for making such a dumb call.

"Told you so," J.D. smirks.

"Whatever, you're all morons. That ball was clearly in…" Perry grumbles, slouching back into the couch cushions. J.D. can't help but think he looks like a pouty child when he does that; but he refrains from mentioning it because he values his life.

"You're just mad because I'm right…" J.D. mutters between handfuls of popcorn.

The cushions dip violently as Perry jumps off the couch and stomps back towards the bedrooms. Sometimes, J.D. swears that it's like dealing with a five year old when Perry gets into one of his snits. Fortunately he doesn't throw screaming, kicking tantrums a kid…

…Most of the time, J.D. amends as something hard thwacks him in the back of the head.

"Ow!" J.D. rubs the back of his head as he picks up the football on the floor. "What the hell was that for?"

"You and me, outside. Now," Perry demands, his sneakers already on. "Bring the ball."

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Outside."

"It was one measly little call! You cannot seriously want to go out and physically fight over it!"

"Who said anything about fighting? We're just going to play a friendly game. I'll even letcha have the ball first, Susie." Perry gives him an evil smirk before walking out the door.

J.D. scowls but puts his shoes on. He knows he shouldn't indulge Perry when he's in one of these moods, but it's so much easier than trying to ignore him. He'll let Perry toss him around for a bit, Perry will reassert his dominance, blah blah blah, and then things can go back to normal.

By the time he makes it down to the courtyard, Perry's already managed to improvise goal posts with two trashcans on opposite ends of the grass.

"Are you ready," Perry sneers in a way that is both obnoxious and incredibly hot at the same time.

"Might as well get this over with."

"I assume you know where the ball goes?"

"Yes…"

"Then let's do this," Perry says as he drops into a defensive crouch.

Gripping the ball, J.D. manages to make five steps before Perry tackles him roughly to the ground. J.D. grunts with the impact _he did __not, repeat, did not whimper_.

"That's so pathetic, I'm gonna give you another shot," Perry grins from above before rolling off him.

He manages nine steps the next time before Perry knocks him to the ground again. J.D. can already feel the bruises forming on his ribs and shoulders.

"Kathy, they're never going to let you onto the powder puff squad if you can't learn to take a fall or two…" Perry jeers.

_That is IT!_ J.D. snarls, determined now to show Perry up. All this crap just because he happened to call the play right…

He sprints his hardest towards the far trashcan, clutching the ball tightly against his chest. Perry has to grab him from behind this time. As they fall towards the ground J.D. instinctively jabs his elbow back a couple times, forcing Perry to loosen his grip. He squirms out from under Perry and makes a mad dash towards the trashcan. He's mildly surprised that Perry hasn't caught up with him already; it doesn't matter when he throws the ball into the trashcan.

"SLAMDUNK!! Take that," J.D. shouts as he breaks into his victory dance. "Who's the bitch now---" He freezes as he sees Perry sitting in the grass, blood streaming down his face.

"Dammid Newbie… I fink you broge my nose an' my toof…" Perry mumbles as J.D. reaches his side.

They spend five minutes digging in the grass for Perry's missing front tooth, then rush off to the emergency dental clinic… where they wait three hours before the dentist fixes Perry's tooth. They must have looked a sight… Perry's nose is swollen (thankfully not broken), a bruise is starting to form on his cheekbone, and his shirt's all bloody.

Perry is a surprisingly good sport about it all, and doesn't even threaten to hurt him at the next available opportunity. It doesn't stop J.D. from feeling guilty about it though. Of course, Perry's good humor might have had something to do with how exactly J.D. was feeding him his ice cream _couldn't risk undoing the dentist's work by using a spoon, mouth to mouth was much safer…_

Perry's revenge comes the next day as they walk into work. Perry's cheek has a dark bruise on it and his nose is still slightly swollen, which makes Carla and the other nurses gasp from behind their counter.

"What happened!?"

J.D. opens his mouth to explain, but Perry gets in first, sending him a devilish wink.

"He hit me," Perry says in what is quite possibly the most wounded tone J.D.'s ever heard.

J.D. can feel the pricks as a twenty pairs of eyes pin him with their stares. Perry _the jerk_ grabs his charts and slips off before J.D. can make him explain to everyone that he was kidding.

"Sport, would you lead the domestic violence group to the conference rooms? Atta boy," Dr. Kelso says before running off towards the elevator.

The pricks turn into stabby feelings as twelve angry women glare at him.

"It was an accident?"


	13. I'm

Ditto earlier disclaimer.

19. Find Out

He was used to waking up and feeling like crap in the mornings. When he was younger it was because he was seriously hung over before he learned two important things: 1) don't trust anything you can't see through, 2) sticking to one beverage makes the next morning much more pleasant.

He's not hung over though--- the nausea and stomach pangs are there, but no blinding migraine accompanies it.

He doesn't feel cranky like he normally does when he gets stuck doing two twelves with the most incompetent interns in the hospital. He doesn't think he went to work at all yesterday…

It could be the Jordan curse… he hated waking up without her almost as much as he hated waking up with her in his bed. He cracks one eye open, but there's no she-devil in sight. The other side of the bed's been slept in though… and the pillow smells like J.D.

He has to push himself to sit up in bed _When did it get so hard?_ His answer is directly under his nose: his stomach. _Damn… I know I ate two of those burritos last night, but seriously?_ He pokes his protruding belly; it doesn't jiggle _thank god_ which means his six pack is still in there somewhere. It's still fleshy though… he tries to remember the last time he worked out and is surprised when he can't remember.

_Well they say being in love makes you fat… I'll go to the gym after my shift today and_ _work the treadmill for an hour... stop eating crap food with J.D… son of a bitch eats like a pig and he's still as skinny as a beanpole… I can't wait until he gets old…_

A quick check of the clock tells him he has an hour and a half before he has to go in for his shift. He manages to lever himself out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom to get cleaned up.

He never realized how much he used his eyes while taking a piss… he could find his prick just fine, but aiming was a whole other story. He managed not to make too much of a mess though.

He had an easier time with finding clothes to wear to work… his regular extra large scrubs still fit, although he had to wear them around his hips. A large tshirt managed to cover his top half without clinging too tightly.

The front room is littered with baby crap… some of it looks like Jack's old stuff, but other stuff is newer… did Carla pop out Ghandi's spawn yet? No… he'd remember that… Jordan's probably just dumping Jack's crap here because it screws the feng shui or something…

Driving was a new and awkward experience… he'd had to push the seat back to accommodate his gut (or else have it pressed uncomfortably against the steering wheel), and now could barely catch the clutch with his toes.

When he finally makes it to work, it feels like he's walked into bizarre-land, everything's the same, but something's different--- people are different…

"What are you doing here?" Carla looks absolutely shocked, and huge… her kid is obviously getting it's height from Ghandi. He almost feels sorry for her…

"I'm working, what do you think," He snaps instead. She looks like she's about to say something, but some patient starts kicking up a fuss and she leaves.

As he walks down the halls he gets weird looks from everyone, instead of the terrified avoidance of eye contact that he's used to. It seems like everybody's staring at him and his gut--- when they aren't being completely rude and touching him or asking something about the time and conditions blah blah blah...

He finally makes it up to his ward, and starts looking for his charts, turning his full on death glare to any staff in the vicinity…

"What are you doing here!!?!"

"I'm at work, Nancy Drew, where else would I be?"

"But you're supposed to be resting," J.D. gives him an exasperated look, and then actually has the audacity to grab his arm and start pushing him out of the ward. "You're not supposed to be here."

"Everyone keeps telling me that! Is this some fucking practical joke that you've got the whole hospital in on, because I swear on your Spice Girls CDs that I will kill you and everyone in this hell hole."

"Perry, quit being dense! You know you're not supposed to be working in your condition!"

"WHAT CONDITION? That's all anyone's been saying to me---"

Suddenly those little stomach pangs that he's been ignoring since he woke up become a whole hell of a lot fucking worse. They're so bad in fact, Perry's pretty sure he shit himself just now. Wonderful. In front of all his coworkers too… he's going to have to work overtime to get them to fear-respect him again. This 'condition' better be fucking fatal… He bites his lip as another spasm of pain hits.

"Oh god, it's time…" J.D. gasps, then starts calling the nurses over. Great, more witnesses he's going to have to threaten…

"Time for what," He snarls as the nurses start pushing him onto the gurney.

"You're going into labor, Perry. You're pregnant, remember?"

"Have you lost your fucking mind? I'm a man… I can't get fucking pregnant! Where would it come out?" He manages to grunt out as the cramps get worse. _Sonofamotherfuckingbitch! This hurts…_

J.D.'s eyes are practically dancing with laughter now, and Perry just wants to bash his fucking brains in right then in there if his stomach didn't hurt so damn much…

"The same way it went in, silly!"

-----

He nearly falls out of the bed he sits up so fast. He's covered in cold sweat, and his heart is racing. A quick glance tells him that his six pack is right where he left it. _Oh thank god it was just a dream… what a fucking nightmare…_ He collapses back against the sheets.

"Whatcha dreamin' 'bout?" J.D. sleepily mutters.

"I swear to all that is holy and unholy, Denise, that if you knock me up, I will cut you into so many little pieces that they will never be able to find you."

"M'kay… no knockin' you up, got it," J.D. mumbles, curling closer to him.

"And you're never topping ever again."

"Never ever?"

"Never."

"…damn…"


	14. I Love That About You

_**Prompt: 13. Fan the Flames**_

His biggest secret is that he doesn't really like his hair. Sure, it's thick, but stick straight too and lies limply against his scalp if he doesn't take the time to style it each and every morning.

Perry thinks it's silly to care so much about his hair, but he doesn't understand what it's like, with his natural curls. He doesn't believe the story that Jordan makes him keep a curling iron under the bathroom just in case she has a hair emergency, either. Perry has it easy though, if all he has to do is occasionally touch up his curls. He doesn't have to wash, mousse and wax everyday just to look presentable.

Then there's the color… brown is such a dull color, although his is a nice shade of espresso, it's not very eye catching. He could dye his hair, he knows, but he's not THAT girly, no matter what Perry thinks. Besides, the chemicals it'd take to lighten his color would absolutely ruin his hair.

Perry's hair changes colors, depending on how much time he's spent in the sun and what season it is. In the spring and fall it's a medium brown color, in the summer a dark strawberry blonde from all the time he spends running outside.

His favorite color, however is the dark vibrant red Perry's hair turns in the middle of winter when there isn't enough sunlight to lighten it. The color is so perfectly Perry, passionate, eye-catching, firey… Perry's hair has given him a whole new love of winter… he almost hates to see the seasons change and to lighten that hair again for another eight months…

One sleepy blue eye cracks open to glare at him.

"… Why are you standing in my sunlight?"

"No reason."


	15. I Need to Branch Out

_**Prompt: 17. Branch Out**_

"Maybe I should go into pediatrics…"

"Well, seeing as you'd be on the same maturity level as your patients--"

"I'm serious, Perry."

There was a word that Perry hadn't ever expected to come out of J.D.'s mouth, 'serious'… in fact it was right up there with 'should go into pediatrics'.

He sets aside his newspaper and stares at JD, trying to figure out where this sudden urge to become a glorified nose-wiper came from. He thought JD liked being an internist, liked working with him… There he goes sounding like a whiny girl all insecure and needy. _Grow a pair, Perry, for chrissakes..._

"It's just-- I think it might be good if maybe I branched out a little… I'm good with kids, and--" J.D. looks at him then, like he's afraid of hurting his _feelings_…

"And what?"

"I think if I were in a different department that… we could be more open," J.D. mumbles through his mouthful of cereal with an awkward shrug. "Wouldn't have to worry about people thinking that you're giving me special treatment."

"I can be bribed with blow jobs, I thought it was common knowledge amongst the interns."

The glare that JD shoots him as he swallows would bruise if it were possible. JD was probably trying for "kill" but well, with all that carebear-y goodness in his veins he's never going to achieve anything more serious than paper-cut.

"Don't look at me like that, Marla, you just might turn me on."

"Does everything have to be a joke to you," J.D. huffs, standing and putting his bowl in the sink in, dare he think it, a _frosty_ manner?

He manages to bite his tongue and not mention what a girl J.D.'s being… because J.D. deserves an honest answer… He sighs and practically hears the cheesy music playing in J.D.'s head as they have a proper "mentoring" moment.

"As your mentor, I have to say that 'yes', if our relationship were public, you'd be the one to suffer. You're right. But you shouldn't change specialties because of some guy. A specialty is forever, and relationships, no matter how much you've deluded yourself that he's "the one", end. It might not, but don't get stuck in a job you don't like just because of him."

"And what does Perry think?"

It's a simple question, really, and those are always the ones that are so hard to answer.

"You need to decide what's going to make you into the best damn doctor you can be. If that means being a pediatrician, great, whatever. If you think I'm holding you back, then maybe you need to look into a transfer… I know someone over at county who's not a complete moron…"

He wants to add that if J.D. can just wait three more years that they can finally come out of the supply closet and it won't matter anymore. That if J.D. leaves he's going to miss him, that even if he weren't sleeping with J.D. he'd still be a bright spot in his day and his favorite intern. The words die in his throat though, because he's a man and being that emotionally needy is incompatible with his Y chromosome.

A sugary kiss on his forehead startles him and he glares up at J.D., who's smiling like an idiot.

"I'll wait… I'd miss you too."

"Whatever."


	16. I'm Flying!

Prompt _**05. Learn How To Fly**_

"You ready?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be…"

"I just want your first time to be special…"

"Oh, god Sarah, don't get all sentimental on me--"

"It's important! If I do it wrong then you'll never let me do it again…"

"Fine, whatever, just do it already!"

"I would if you would just relax!"

"I am relaxed!"

"No, you're not, now I know that it can be a little intimidating, especially because of my size…"

"Oh please, you're not _that_ big… we're almost there."

"Perry, how many fingers do you think I have in you right now?"

"Well, any more and it's going to be your whole fist, and sorry sugar, I think it's a leetle bit early in our relationship to get into that sort of kink--"

"One."

"What? Ow!"

"Well, now it's two."

"That's it, we're done here…"

"No! You can't!"

"Look, it's obviously not working, so let's just do it like we always do it--"

"I never thought you'd be too chicken…"

"I am not!"

"Chicken! Bwawk, bwa-bwa-bwak!"

"Fuck you!"

"If you'd just relax I would! I don't know why you're so nervous, you do this to me, and any patient who needs a rectal exam."

"Yeah, well it's a little bit different on this end."

"I know, but I do it all the time, and if you say that it's because I'm a girl I'm sticking another finger in."

"Way to completely de-ball me…"

"Now, just keep taking deep breath and I'm going to--"

"OHSHITFUCKINGSHIT!!"

"Like that?"

"…yeah…"

"You want me to do that some more?"

"…yeah…"

"That's what I thought."


	17. She Needs You

_**Prompt: 09. Forget Standard Procedure**_

The sound of a baby crying and someone banging on the door pulls him out of a pleasant dream involving J.D. and a rather fetching black satin frock.

"PERRY!! YOU OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR RIGHT THIS MINUTE--"

He groans and rolls out of bed, looking at J.D. with envy as he pulls his jersey over his head. J.D. looks hardly disturbed by the racket going on outside their door, just a faint crease between the brows…

Life has forced Perry to be a light sleeper, and being a doctor has taught his body to stay awake once he's roused. They'll be no more sleeping tonight it seems, and some interns are going to pay tomorrow.

"--OR I'LL KEEP SCREAMING UNTIL SOMEONE CALLS THE COPS!!"

His mouth is already running as he unlocks the deadbolt and slips the chain.

"Jordan, just what in the hell--"

As he opens the door he realizes that Jordan isn't just throwing one of her tantrums or trying to deprive him of sleep to further her evil plot for hospital domination… because Jordan looks like hell, and the Jordan he knows, the Jordan he married and divorced would never set foot outside looking like this.

Her eyes are bloodshot and surrounded by dark circles, her skin is waxy and pale, her hair probably hasn't seen a comb or a shower in days, and she's wearing one of his old Rutgers t-shirts _I wondered where that went_ and a pair of plaid pajama bottoms and bare feet.

What concerns him most is how she's holding the baby, who's screaming on the top of his lungs. Her fingers are clutching him tightly, looking torn between bringing him closer and throwing him away.

"Jordan," He says in his calmest, most soothing doctor voice, "Give me the baby."

"No! Dammit Perry I'm doing just fine!!" She holds the baby closer to her as she pushes into the room, jostling the baby desperately in what appears to be a disastrous attempt to soothe him. "I don't need you, or my mother, or anyone telling me how to raise my son!"

The words are classic Jordan, but he can see the tears shimmering in her eyes as she paces in front of his couch. Out of the corner of his eye he can see J.D. looking on with curiosity from the hallway, and he motions him to stay back. Jordan could be unpredictable at the best of times…

"I know, Jordan… I just never got to see him. May I hold him?"

She looks at him suspiciously, before handing the baby slowly over to him, sniffling loudly.

The baby quiets a little bit, now that he's not being shaken like a martini. He's as red as a tomato and glaring at him fiercely, a look that he definitely had to of inherited from the Sullivan side of the family.

"Did you decide on a name yet?"

"I want to call him Quinn, but he makes this face every time I call him that…" She's still pacing, watching him warily as if he's going to drop the baby.

"Well, as long as you have something by the time he's in preschool…"

He's not a bad looking baby, as far as babies go… Blue eyes and indeterminate blondish-brownish-reddish hair that will wind up who knows what color.

"He's a pretty baby, Jordan, he looks just like you…"

"He looks just like his father," Jordan snaps, as the dams break and tears start pouring down her cheeks. If his internal alarm system wasn't already on high alert, it would be now, because Jordan Sullivan doesn't cry…

He quickly passes the baby, who's finally worn himself out enough to stop shrieking, to J.D. and sends him back into the bedroom.

"Jordan, did Dr. Monroe adjust your meds?"

"No! I haven't even had time to take my fucking pills between feeding, changing and cleaning up after that stupid baby. I hate him so much-- he's _ruined__** everything**_." A loud braying sob bursts from Jordan's lips as she collapses down onto the couch. "Who says that about their kid? I'm a terrible mother--"

He sits beside her and seconds later finds himself with a lap full of a weeping Jordan. He's going to kick Monroe's ass for this tomorrow, fucking moron… What self-respecting doctor doesn't closely monitor and adjust the meds of a bi-polar mother after she gives birth?

"Jordan, that's just the depression talking, I'm going to take you down to the hospital and we'll start you back on your meds. You'll feel a lot better once you start thinking clearly…"

It's another ten minutes before Jordan's cried herself out enough that he can take her somewhere without causing a scene. Leaving her on the couch he heads into the bedroom to fetch her a pair of slippers and check on how J.D.'s handling the baby.

J.D. is sitting on the bed, watching over the now peacefully sleeping infant, still red-faced from his earlier tantrum.

"Quiet, I just got him to sleep."

"I'm taking her to the hospital, are you okay with staying with him for awhile?"

"We don't have anything--"

"I'll get Jordan to leave the keys to her car, there should be a car seat in it, you can take that and get what you need. I think we'd better start stockpiling it. Squirt here is probably going to be a frequent visitor."

"She's not afraid her ex-husband and his boyfriend are going to make him gay?"

"Well, she's already got a good start on it with that sailor suit."


	18. I Made It Myself

AN: I don't own the NUMEROUS things mentioned in this fic they belong to DC and Marvel Comics, and their respective creators.

Title: I'll Fix It

Prompt: 15. Build Your Own Wagon

* * *

"Perry!"

"Whhaaat?"

J.D. had come home earlier giggling about something… Whatever it was he'd hidden it in the guest bedroom (or as it was quickly becoming known: 'Jack's Room'). Perry wasn't going to ask, it was just better if he didn't know what was going. Especially since it the start of baseball season. The Yankees weren't going to boo themselves…

"What's an Allen wrench?"

Oh god he was trying to build something… that couldn't be good. He thought he'd heard J.D. rooting around in the closet, he must have been looking for his toolbox…

Grumbling he pulled himself off the couch and headed back into Jack's room… he'd better go supervise… J.D.'s carpentry skills probably weren't much better than his culinary ones… if he could burn water he could probably make Lincoln Logs into a nuclear weapon…

"What are you making there, Harley?"

"Harley's not a girl name."

"Is too, Ivy. Now what are you making?"

"There's a theme going on today, isn't there? And I'm making Jack a play fort, see, here on the box. It's even got a wagon!"

Sure enough it did have a wagon, the '_Happy Tots Pioneer Cabin with Wagon: Just The Thing To Make Your Tot Happy Happy Happy! Some tools required_'.

Out of the box, however, it looks like a catastrophe. Lots of screws and is that a bottle of glue? Dear god… Why do they have to make this stuff so complicated? Who wants to assemble all this crap for a kid when he's going to have much more playing with the box? Why do kids need all this stuff anyway? He got by just fine with a GI Joe, a couple of Matchbox cars and a bowl full of army men. Jack already has more toys than he ever recalls having and Jack's not even old enough to play with them without suffocating himself.

"You do realize that Jack can't even crawl yet?"

"I know, but this was so cute and it'd be nice for him to play with when he's older. So, Allen wrench?"

He picks through the pile of papers which assumes are the instructions _seriously, any longer and those instructions are going to be competing with 'War and Peace'…_ and several plastic baggies full of nuts, bolts, screws and mysteriously shaped bits of plastic before he finds a small baggie full of Allen wrenches. _Great_..

"This, Babs, is an Allen wrench," He says, pulling out one of the L-shaped pieces of metal from the bag. "Also known as a hex key."

"Ookaay… now, which one of them is 'A'?"

"How about you hold the instructions and I'll build this."

"But I wanted to build it…"

"You can help, Pamela, but I'm building it."

"I'm not a complete girl you know."

"I know, if you were we'd have the Sugar Plum Cottage, nawt the Pioneer Cabin."

"Thank you, but I can build stuff…" J.D. caves underneath his stare. "Not very well, but I can build it…"

"You took home economics in high school, didn't you?"

"…"

"Oh my god, you _did_… Oh, Selina, that is just too--"

"Hardee har har har… 'J.D.'s a big girl'. Let's build this."

"I'm surprised your dad let you take home ec. My dad would've kicked my ass…"

"Yeah, well, Dad wasn't around much at that point, and he wasn't exactly handy anyway…"

He forgets, sometimes, that J.D.'s dad is almost as big a sore point to J.D. as his own is to him. From what he can tell Sam was more of a neglectful father, rather than physically abusive. J.D. had the benefit of being his mother's favorite, but that couldn't fill the gap; there were certain things only a father could teach his son. Hell, his own father, up there on the list of world's worst parents, had even managed to teach him how to make basic repairs around the house. Mostly, Perry knew, so his father wouldn't have to do it any more, but he'd still taught him.

"First thing we're going to have to do is lay out all the pieces so we can see them."

"Okay."

J.D. eagerly sets to work, happily sorting out the pieces by size. He was so easy to please…

"What next?"

"What do the directions say?"

"I thought real men didn't follow directions?"

"With this many pieces, I want the directions."

"It says 'attach corner block A to side one'."

"Shit…"

"I think side one is the one with the door."

Three hours later after much swearing at Scandinavian flat pack furniture designers, the Koreans who translated the directions from Swedish to Korean to English, the factory workers who made sure to make each hole was slightly misaligned, they finally got the cabin and the matching wagon together. They even resemble picture on the box and he didn't yell at J.D. once.

"Well, Harleen, it's done."

"Batman. That's today's theme, isn't it? _Selina_ Kyle is Catwoman, _Pamela_ is Poison _Ivy_, _Babs_ Gordon was Batgirl and _Harleen_ is _Harley_ Quinn."

"Whaddya want? A prize?"

"Yes. I always thought you were a Marvel man: Wolverine, the Human Torch…"

"I always thought you only read Archie comics."

"I've read plenty of comic books as I have proven by solving today's riddle, _Mr. Nigma_. Now, my prize…"

"Fine, what do you want? Backrub?"

"I want you to take off that shirt, grab your hammer, and go put some shelves up in the bedroom, Mr. Handyman…"

"Whatever you want, m'am. I live to serve."

"Hah!"


	19. I Can't Take Anymore!

Title: I Can't Take It Anymore!

Prompt: 06. Meet up with Bigfoot

* * *

There were certain habits that became engrained after you were a doctor for twenty years. Actions done without second thought: like placing an IV or a stitch, running towards the code blue, and dropping whatever you're doing in your free time to answer your pager --

-- Even if you were in the middle of giving your boyfriend a pretty damn awesome blowjob.

"Jordan," Perry sighs. "Jack's got a cold, I told her to page me if it got worse."

Another thing that comes with twenty years in medicine is the ability to immediately switch into "doctor mode". Any hope of continuing their little activity are crushed as Perry pulls on his jersey, already debating the best treatment for whatever sniffle Jack has this week.

It's not fair when your boyfriend's ex-wife has access to his private work pager number.

"Do you want me to go with you? Two doctors are better than one--"

"Nah, I'll get him some infant's Tylenol, you don't have to bother. I'll be back soon, why don't you watch a movie or something?"

A peck on the cheek and Perry's out the door, heading over to his ex-wife's place at ten o'clock at night to take care of her baby. Like she's not a member of the board at Sacred Heart and could have any pediatrician she wanted to treat her kid, practically free of charge.

No, it has to be Perry, though. Perry, the ex-husband she swears she hates, the man she cheated on with his own intern. Perry, who's specialty is internal medicine and intensive care, not pediatrics. Perry, who has a life and a boyfriend of his own that she wants playing babysitter to her kid.

Of course it's not all Jordan's fault. A large part of it rests with Perry too. As much as he pisses and moans about being Jordan's favorite sitter, he hardly ever says 'no' to her either. Perry's been crazy about that kid ever since he smiled when he suggested naming him 'Jack' to Jordan.

Perry says he never wanted kids, but the truth, J.D. thinks, is that he just never thought about it. A whole new happy vibe comes over Perry when he's with Jack, even if he's not his real father. It's a happiness that J.D. hasn't been able to give Perry.

He feels like shit, being jealous of a baby, but he can't help it. Jack won Perry's heart effortlessly. When Perry runs out the door, J.D. has to wonder how long it'll be before Perry decides that maybe Jordan and Jack are what he really wants.

It's stupid, because Perry seems happy with him, even if he doesn't say as much. Perry lives with him, not with Jordan, but their banter sometimes gets pretty flirtatious…

He tries to be cool, and not worry about what is keeping Perry over at Jordan's place (_**they're**__notscrewing,they're__**not**__screwing,they'renot__**screwing**__)_.

Perry would call if something were seriously wrong with Jack, wouldn't he? He would have heard from someone at the hospital if they'd taken him there…

When he calls Perry's phone and it goes straight to voicemail he can't take it anymore.

It's been just over two hours since Perry left as he pulls into the parking lot of Jordan's apartment building. He's rehearsed what he's going to say when finds out what's keeping Perry...

"_Jordan, Perry's mine. I'm not letting him go without a fight!"_

"_Perry! I can't believe you'd--"_

"_He chose me, Jordan! Back off!"_

"_Perry, I do trust you, but she's got this creepy power over you--"_

All his preparation does is make it so much harder for him to knock on the door. He's tempted to throw up in the potted plant outside of Jordan's door. He'd feel better, and if things go as bad as they do in his worst case scenario where he walks in on Jordan fucking Perry, it'll be good revenge.

His heart hammers as no one answers his first set of knocks, or his second… what are they doing in there that they can't hear someone at their door at midnight--

"WHAT?!"

To say Perry looks pissed is an understatement. Jack doesn't look to happy either: red faced and screaming, drool and snot smeared all over himself and Perry's jersey.

"J.D., what are you doing here?"

"You didn't answer your phone and--"

"Jack's got an ear infection and Jordan's mom's fell and hurt herself. I was going to call you once I got him to sleep."

"Oh."

Now he feels like a complete ass. Odd that this wasn't one of the scenarios running through his head. The baby was sick, Perry didn't want to something, like a phone call, to wake him up once he got him to sleep. Perfectly innocent.

"Look, he can have more Tylenol in a half hour and then we can talk."

Perry walks back towards the crib, resting Jack's head on his shoulder and stroking his back as he paces the room. The half hour passes in a long silence as Perry tries futilely to get Jack to sleep without doping him up. They look oddly good together, so much that if Jordan hadn't loudly stated that there was "no way in hell that Perry could even get it up long enough to impregnate me, even when he was straight", J.D. would have thought that they were related.

Unfortunately Jack's too tired to fight Perry with a dropper of liquid Tylenol, which is a shame because J.D. doesn't want to have this awkward conversation. The medicine does it's magic and within minutes Jack might as well be dead to the world.

Perry drags him into the bathroom though, just to make sure. Thank god it wasn't the bedroom or he wouldn't have been able to stop thinking about the two of them on the mattress… knowing him he'd have a disturbing fantasy about it right in front of Perry.

"Alright, Newbie, what got into your head that made you drive up here at midnight, when you know damn well your shift starts in five hours."

_Shit! _He'd forgotten that… As if tomorrow's shift wasn't going to be awful already…

"I--"

Whatever he was going to say flees his brain and leaves him to just stand there and stare at Perry wishing desperately that they weren't having this conversation right now, in Jordan's apartment, with the boy that's stolen Perry's heart sleeping a few feet away.

Perry's not going to let this go, he can tell. That's not Perry's style anyway, he confronts everything head on with guns blazing. He hates confrontation, how the hell did they end up together?

It's not fair though, he deserves to know where he stands. He's not being paranoid, he's being smart. He has every reason to be worried. Jordan is Perry's ex-wife, a woman he loved enough to get over his cynicism, buy a ring and propose to. At one point in their lives they loved each other.

"Are you still in love with Jordan?"

"What? Have you been taking shots from Jack's Tylenol? That's a stupid question, even compared to your impressive record of--"

"What am I supposed to think when you run to her side whenever she pages you!? You were married to her for three years, you were in a relationship for longer than that. You still slept together after you got divorced. She can give you the one thing I can't--"

"What? Pussy?"

"Jack."

Perry obviously hadn't ever considered that, judging from the surprised look on his face.

"You're jealous of _Jack_? Oh, Newbie, this is a whole new low--"

"I'm not jealous! Well, maybe I am, but you loved her and now you're spending all this time with her because of Jack and I can't stand it!"

"Yeah, I 'loved' her, the key, now stay with me, is the past tense. I used to love her, as in not now. You don't see me getting all possessive when you go hang out with Barbie, I'm more bewildered honestly--"

"I wasn't ever married to her! You put a ring on her finger and promised to love her forever, and it can't all have gone away."

"I don't know what you want me to say then, J.D., because there doesn't seem to be a way for me to convince you that I'm not going to cheat on you with her. You're right, those feelings don't 'go away' but they do change. Jordan's my--my-- I don't think there's a word for what we are, but I suppose she's technically what would be considered a 'friend' in the vaguest sense of the term and she needed my help -- and I don't know what your problem is! It's like I'm being punished twice for marrying her!"

It's one of those major turning points in their relationship, and he can feel the air become weighted with the tension radiating off the two of them. He can't help how he feels though-- he wishes he could just say 'okay' and forget that this whole thing and Perry's marriage ever happened, but it won't go away. It'll always be lurking there in the bushes waiting to pop out and surprise him when he's not prepared, just like Bigfoot.

"Do you even know why I'm with you, J.D.?"

The earnest tone in Perry's voice startles him and all he can do is shake his head. He assumed that Perry was with him because he loved him, but why was a mystery. It wasn't like Perry talked about it…

"You expect better out of me, and for some crazy reason, I want to be a better person for you. I care what you think about me."

Perry looks uncomfortable, eyes darting around the room. Perry never talks about what he's feeling, unless it's anger, and if he didn't _**need**_ to hear what Perry was going to say he'd stop him--

"Jordan accepted me as I was, and I know all your chick-flick movies say that's the key to true love or whatever, but it's not. 'Accepting each other' just means you can't be bothered to want something better for them. I spent three years 'accepting' that Jordan was going to cheat on me; she spent three years 'accepting' that on those rare nights that I came home before four in the morning I'd be drinking myself to sleep. The truth is that neither of us could accept that we'd made a big mistake when we got married. We didn't care enough about each other or ourselves to see that we were making ourselves miserable."

Perry sighs loudly, rubbing his face with both hands, before looking up and locking eyes with him.

"I can't do that again, J.D., and I don't want you to go through it either. I'm not in love now, or probably ever was, with Jordan. I won't go back to her because she can't replace you, not even with Jack. If you can't believe me, then this is where our relationship ends."

J.D. thinks the kiss he gives Perry clearly communicates: _I BELIEVE_.


	20. I Can't Believe You!

Title: I Can't Believe You!

Prompt: 20. Hear the Gospel

* * *

J.D. sighed, glanced at his watch, and wondered why the hell he was waiting at the airport on his first day off in what felt like weeks.

"_You're off tomorrow, right," Perry asks, slightly breathless after their kiss._

"_Why?" J.D. groans as Perry nibbles his collar in that spot. "Did you manage to trade off with Mickhead or Beardface?"_

"_No. I need someone to meet my sister at the airport…" Perry says casually, pulling him down onto the bed. _

So now he was stuck waiting for Perry's sister. Perry wasn't one for personal mementos either, so he only had Perry's vague description to go on…

"_What's she look like?"_

"_How should I know!? I haven't seen her in awhile… probably blonde, blue eyes, about your height…"_

"_That's helpful. You might as well have described 90 of the women in L.A._!"

"_Well, the religious fanatic aura should tip you off then. She'll probably still be sermonizing the poor bastard who had to sit next to her on that flight from Pittsburgh…"_

"_You're from Pittsburgh!?"_

"_What about it?"_

"_You never told me, that's all…"_

"_It's not like it was important."_

"_Kinda like the fact that you have a sister? That sort of unimportant trivia that you don't mention to your significant other… She does know about us doesn't she? She's not here to take you hetero camp, is she?" He's so angry at Perry right now, but the idea of losing him is more frightening._

"_As if she could make me," Perry scoffs. "As if I wanted to be cured," Perry purrs, wrapping arms around him. _

He spots her in the crowd of people making their way out the doors. He couldn't miss her, he realizes, because she and Perry have so much in common. Tall, trim, with blue-gray eyes, a thin nose, and a disgruntled expression that broadcasts loudly that she'd rather be anywhere but 'here'. _Great…_

"Paige?" Intense eyes focus on him, and it's almost worse than one of Perry's glares. He wonders whom taught it whom.

"So you're the one sleeping with my baby brother," She says flatly, cocking one eyebrow at him. J.D. nearly chokes. It never occurred to him that Perry might be the younger one…

"I'm J.D.," he croaks, holding out a hand. "Perry's told me so much about you…," he lies, smiling brightly. She scoffs, and it sounds so much like Perry it's kind of creepy…

"No, he hasn't. Unless Jordan managed to arrange that lobotomy."

"Right, well… Perry's doesn't get off shift until late tonight, so I guess it's just the two of us..."

"Great."

The ride back to their apartment is awkward, to say the least. More awkward is the way she leads him through the apartment building, waiting impatiently at the door to Perry's _their_ apartment for him to fumble to find the right key and look like a total ass.

"I see you let Perry decorate," She snorts, pushing past him and looking about the room with a faint sneer. "I thought gay men were supposed to have _taste_."

He bites his tongue because he has to be nice, she is Perry's sister after all. He sort of likes the way Perry decorated the place… even if it is a bit lacking in personal mementoes. He's working on that with Perry though -- mostly by sneaking in pictures and other knick-knacks behind his back. When Perry goes out of town overnight for a seminar, he's going to get Stephen set up in the guest bedroom...

"So… are you hungry? There's a pretty good Chinese place…"

"What, no home-cooked meal?"

"There's not much… and I'm not a good cook."

"What a terrible little wife you are… unless, oh don't tell me Perry cooks…" The vicious grin is evidently another thing included in the Cox genes.

"We're just busy! Working!"

"I'll bet."

"Do you have a problem with us? Because you're just going to have to accept that Perry and I are in a relationship--"

"Why would I have a problem with you and Perry? What did he tell you about me?"

His silence answers her question for her, because he realizes Perry really has told him nothing about her. He'd assumed the way he'd talked about her that she'd have a problem with their being together, even if she'd be too polite to voice it… Except that clearly wasn't the case.

"Oh, now that's just typical Perry right there. I'll bet you he didn't even have to work today, he switched shifts with everyone in advance just so he'd have an excuse…" She sighs loudly and runs her hands through her hair and locking them behind her head, in another familiar gesture.

"I'm sorry, he's being an asshole."

"I don't know why I'm surprised…" She looks away, the skin around her eyes tightening in another familiar Cox expression: disappointment.

He feels bad, and she's not even his sister. There's nothing to be done about it today though… tomorrow though.

"What was Perry like as a kid?"

"Oh god, you would not believe…"

* * *

He can hear their laughter through the door, and it makes him pause.

What could J.D. and Paige possibly be laughing about? What could they possibly be _talking_ about? Hopefully she hadn't managed to convert him, he wouldn't be able to stand living with a bible thumper, even if they did put out.

"So I ask him-- I ask him what the heck he thinks he's doing? He looks up at me and says 'Making zombie brains'! Hamburger was _**everywhere**__!_"

"Oh my god… Hey, Perry!"

"Hey…"

Awkward silence fills the room as he realizes that Paige and J.D. were having a civil conversation… and seemed to be enjoying it. Even worse they're talking about _him_.

"Well, I'm going to bed," Paige coughs and stands, glaring at him before heading down the hall towards the guest room.

"She's not that bad, you know."

"…yeah."

"She came out all this way just to see you."

"I seem to remember someone begging me to say they weren't in when their brother called last week--"

"Yeah, but when Dan comes out here I make sure to spend some time with him. She was really upset that you were avoiding her."

"I'm not avoiding her! She just picked a bad week to fly all the way out here--"

"A bad week that you made sure to schedule." J.D. sighs and sounds so _let down_. Which illogically makes him feel bad. He hates that J.D. can do that.

"Well, there's nothing to be done about it now."

"Why'd you do it? This is jerk-y, even for you."

"I know."

Perry has to admit J.D.'s right about that-- it is a pretty shitty thing to do. J.D. doesn't understand though--

"Why are you scared of her?"

He glares involuntarily at J.D., because he's _not_ scared of Paige-- it's more of what she represents. Everything he's spent thirty years and countless hours of therapy trying to forget.

"When's your shift start tomorrow," J.D. asks, sounding deeply disappointed and Perry manages, barely, to hide his flinch.

"Five AM sharp."

"Well, you'd better get to bed then."

"--Are you coming?"

"I'm not tired," J.D. mutters, pulling the blanket off the back of the couch and Perry knows what that _**really**_means: _I'm too mad to sleep in the same bed as you._

There's nothing he can do though--

* * *

A ray of sunlight hitting his eyes wakes him suddenly, his heart thundering as he realizes it's way too bright in their bedroom for it to be four in the morning. A glance at the alarm clock confirms his worst fears:

_Eight-thirty, shit! I must have turned the alarm off in my sleep… Why hasn't anyone called from the hospital_--

Kelso's going to rip into him, but he'll take his lumps like a good boy for once. Any place is better than here. He throws on yesterday's clothes and goes in the bathroom to brush his teeth and check to see if he can get away with not shaving today--

The note taped to mirror makes him wonder if maybe if his alarm wasn't turned off deliberately.

_Perry--_

_She's your sister, quit being a jackass and spend some time with her. I don't know what your childhood was like, not pleasant obviously, but it probably wasn't pleasant for her either._

_Maybe if you stopped running away from the past you could stop being so scared by it._

_I'm taking your shift for today. You owe me. _

_-- J.D. :C_He's dead tired after working a shift and a half; fortunately Mickhead had volunteered to take the rest of his shift for him as long as J.D. said that Mickhead was there for the whole shift. J.D. was tired enough to take him up on it.

* * *

He rests his hand on the doorknob wondering what he'll find on the inside: bloody massacre, awkward silence, a screaming match in progress? Paige looks like she could hold her own in a fight, and she presumably knows how Perry fights dirty. Hell, she probably taught him some of those moves…

He's a little surprised to hear laughter as he opens the door. Peeking through the crack he watches the Coxes interact in their natural habitat…

"Oh, god, Mrs. Greeley hated you--"

"No, she hated _us_, you were the one who shot the bb gun at her dog--"

"Because you told me to!"

"When did you ever do anything I told you to do?"

"_Vat arrre you do-ing?_"

He yelps falling through the door with a crash and smacking his head hard enough on the floor to see stars and four Coxes peering over the back of the couch to stare at him. Two Coxes were bad enough….

"Thanks for finding him, Mrs. Petrovsky. Have a nice night!"

"Strahnge boyz, verrry strahnge boyz…" Mrs. Petrovsky grumbles, heading down the hall to her apartment.

"Too many Coxes…"

"Your boyfriend is weird."

"I know."

"Too many Coxes…"


	21. I'm In Complete Control

Title: I'm In Complete Control

Prompt: 22. Pass It On

* * *

He became a doctor for money, power and chicks. They lie about the amount of money you'll earn, and he'd swapped chicks for dicks, but power, power was still good. As a doctor there were a lot of things he could control. He improved people's lives every day.

The trick was not to let the rare instances when there was nothing to be done get to you.

Like when your ex-wife's is wheeled in strapped to a gurney and soaked in blood just as you're getting off your shift.

"What happened," he commandeers the gurney from the paramedics. He's still in his scrubs, thank whatever, for all they knew he was still on duty.

"Car accident, driver ran the red and plowed into her side. She's been unconscious the whole time--"

"Did the airbag deploy? Was she buckled in?" Oh god oh god this can't be happening… Jordan's going to sit up any second and laugh in his face and call him a big girl for being so freaked out…

"Perry, enough--" J.D. says, pulling his hand off the gurney and pushing him gently away. "You've got a conflict of interest--"

"Oh, wrong time to grow a set of balls, Newbie. There is **NO** conflict, we're not married--"

Except J.D.'s not listening to him, already snapping orders at the interns and taking Jordan down to get a CAT scan…

Leaving him alone to stand in the middle of the hallway to wait… powerless…

A loud wail pierces his haze and makes his heart hammer in his chest all over again. Jack, how the hell could he forget about Jack? She never goes anywhere without him.

A harried looking female paramedic is struggling to hold onto a bloody Jack, she's not handed him off to the hospital staff he must not have been too injured…

"Are you Percival Cox," The woman asks hopefully.

"Yes,"

"Ms. Sullivan's daycare says you're the emergency contact. They thought you might be here." She promptly thrusts Jack into his arms, then leaves.

Well then… well then. He could handle this….

"Let's get you cleaned up."

* * *

When life threw a bunch of crap your way the best thing to do was try and grasp whatever control you could of the situation and hold on for dear life.

He was currently grappling with a soapy baby, who was about as slippery as his control over this whole situation. He'd managed to convince the pediatric nurses to let him borrow one of the tubs they used to clean the infants and a bottle of baby shampoo. The nurses had immediately caved, because women got all gushy when a guy took care of a baby for some reason. If he weren't already dating someone (_although that may change in the next few-- not going to think about it._), he'd totally use the overabundance of goodwill to try and score a date.

Jack had calmed down rather quickly once he was in his arms… it must have been the comfort of a familiar body. Funny to think that anyone would find him a comforting presence, but there was no accounting for taste. Especially considering the nameless man who'd been willing to throw down with Jordan. Kid was screwed right from the get-go.

"So, why did your she-beast of a mommy name me as your emergency contact, hmm Jack?"

Jack giggled and splashed water at him.

"Why not your Aunty Danni… on second thought, I think your mother loves you a bit more than to leave you with that slut. She'd forget which boyfriend's house she left you at. I'm pretty sure I know why she didn't leave you at your grandmother's; I mean it's a miracle she didn't eat your mother or your aunt and uncle when they were your age, why tempt fate a fourth time? So why me, huh?"

Jack's reply was a large yawn. Best to get him to bed then, otherwise he'd start to get cranky. Actually a nap didn't sound half-bad… his shift had been brutal, and that was before -- well there was nothing to do but wait.

"I think you've got a great idea there, Jack."

* * *

After the first hour and a half they'd passed Jordan onto the surgeons, trying to relieve the pressure building in her skull. He should have gone down to talk to Perry then, but there wasn't much to tell him -- and he didn't want to deal with Perry honestly.

Once Perry calmed down a bit, in the next day or so maybe, he'd realize that J.D. had done the right thing by taking over Jordan's care. If something went wrong and -- and Jordan didn't make it, well it would be better for Perry if he wasn't the one treating her. Although if she didn't make it, Perry would say that it was his fault and -- they'd cross that bridge if they came to it.

The Todd, the surgeon on-call that night, had been successful in relieving the pressure in Jordan's skull, and in time to prevent any serious brain damage. He became a completely different man once he scrubbed into a surgery… well not completely different since he'd told the intern that it was important to do their best work on Jordan because she had "nice perky boobies and it'd be a shame to bury them". He'd still given The Todd a high five as he'd come out of the OR though.

Now, four hours after Jordan had been admitted he'd finally found the time, and the courage, to give an update on Jordan's condition in person. Perry still apparently had power of attorney over her -- she must not have got around to changing it after their divorce. Perry would get a kick out of that, after this crisis was over, the fact that he'd had a decision whether Jordan lived or died… He could almost hear the jokes now… except they weren't very funny at the moment.

He found Perry in the on-call room, curled around Jack, sleeping.

"How is she?"

Okay, maybe not sleeping.

"She's doing better. They were able to get the pressure down on her brain and she was responsive. If she has any brain damage, it will probably be minimal. She should be waking up in the next twelve hours and we'll have a better idea of what her status is then."

"Why are you telling me all this? I taught you better--"

"Her files say you still have power of attorney."

Perry frowns at that, a hand coming up to stroke Jack's hair. J.D. crawled in behind Perry, wrapping an arm around his waist.

"I'm sorry this happened, but she's going to pull through… Jack's okay?"

"Yeah, just a couple scratches and bruises… nothing serious," Perry's voice is distracted, and he doesn't shrug off J.D.'s hand like he normally would…

"She's going to be okay," he whispers, kissing Perry's shoulder. He sees patients go through this every day, but it's so different when someone you know is going through it. Unfortunately, he can't think of anything better to say.

"Did you know that I'm Jack's emergency contact at the nursery?"

"No… really?"

"I can't find a reason for why she'd do it. She might have been too lazy to change her file after the divorce, _might have_, but why am I Jack's emergency contact? Why not her sister, or her mother…"

"I don't know… she must trust you a lot, even after everything…"

"Yeah, maybe… except that I started doing some math and…" Perry exhales slowly, fingers trailing down Jack's cheek. "Well, look at him. He looks like me. He's my son."

"But she said--"

"If her lips are moving, Jordan's lying; I should've remembered that."

Looking at them lying side by side, J.D. can't deny the resemblance… Jack's hair is almost the exact color of Perry's, and those bright blue eyes are a familiar shape and shade. So many little expressions on Jack's face that he'd thought were just mimicking one of the major people in his life… why hadn't they seen it before?

For him, perhaps, it was because he didn't want it to be true: If Jack was Perry's son that gave Jordan an unbreakable hold on Perry. One that he'd never be able to compete with. They'd worked most of it out after that night at Jordan's place, but the faintest of doubts still haunted his dreams.

Except Jordan hadn't used her trump card yet, which may mean she didn't want to. She had a prime opportunity back when she was still pregnant with Jack and openly battling him for Perry's affection. She hadn't though, for reasons known only to her.

"Why didn't she tell me? He's my son, I have the right to know…"

"That sounds like a good question to ask her when she wakes up."

"…I don't know if I can do this, J.D. …"

His guts sink at the pronouncement, his worst nightmares made reality. Of course Perry would do the right thing and go back to Jordan, to try and give Jack the most normal life possible. Jack deserved to have a mommy and a daddy, not a mommy and mommy's flavor of the week, daddy and daddy's lover.

"I don't know if I can be his father… I'll screw him up."

That was not where he was expecting this to go; he didn't know it was possible to feel relieved and more concerned at the same time…

"You've done a pretty damn good job so far."

"That was before I knew he was my son. Nothing I did really mattered--"

"Even if you weren't Jack's biological father, you'd still be the closest thing he'd probably ever have to a father-figure. You'd still matter to him, you'd still be important to him, you'd still be everything is a father is supposed to be. The only thing that's changed is that you know now that he's a physical part of you."

Perry's quietly staring at Jack, who's blissfully unaware of the chaos his existence has created.

"Besides, someone has to be a semi-sane influence against Jordan."

"Well, there is that."

* * *

She awakes to a world of pain, shit is she hung over? No, this hurts way too much… she manages to crack open her eyes and recognizes the ceiling of Sacred Heart.

"You're awake," Perry says, peering over her. She knows that tone of voice, it's the one he uses when he's pissed, but doesn't want to let you know, as if it weren't fucking _obvious_….

"Wuh?" She means to ask 'what has your panties in a twist, DJ use too much teeth?', but 'wuh' is the most intelligible thing she can grit out.

"You were in a car accident, some jackass ran a red and hit you," Perry sighs, looking away.

So it wasn't her fault that she's here, so why is Perry so upset -- oh shit, shitshitshit where's Jack…

"Jah?"

"Jack's fine, Jordan. Barely a scratch on him, I've been taking care of him. Did you know that I'm listed as his emergency care provider?"

_Fuck_…

"I know I'm his father Jordan and when you're feeling more like you're usual satanic self we can have one our usual big screaming arguments about the fact that you didn't tell me. Not right now though, because you're at more of a disadvantage than usual."

"C'n take u…"

"Uh huh, sure you can. Bet those drugs are kicking in about now, aren't they?"

"…y's…"

"When you're better demon woman."


	22. I Screwed Up

Title: I Screwed Up

Prompt: 21. Spread the Word

* * *

"I know a secret," the Janitor announces, not even looking up from his mopping. "About you."

Fortunately they're the only ones in the changing room, not that the Janitor probably knew anything important.

"Oh really, and what's that?"

"Why would I tell you? You already know."

"At least tell me what this secret's about… I have lots of secrets."

"No you don't, that's what makes this secret special… but if you must know, it's about you and angry doctor. I'm going to tell everybody…"

Funny, how one sentence can ruin your whole day…

Oh shit, Perry was going to freak. They'd tried so hard to keep their relationship out of the workplace gossip mill… They were going to be in so much trouble! Kelso was always itching for an excuse to bring Perry up before the board… and sleeping with your intern/resident was a pretty damn good one. God… Perry was in trouble? Hah, HE was in trouble! If they didn't drag him up in front of the board with Perry they'd throw him out of the program and he still have all those school loans to pay off!

He had to tell Perry -- no he couldn't tell Perry. Perry would kill the Janitor and then he'd go to jail for murder and they wouldn't let him have conjugal visits because they weren't married and _shitshitSHIT…_

He was going to handle this himself. After he got everything taken care of he'd tell Perry how well he'd done and maybe he'd finally tell who he was picking for Chief Resident…

"What do you want?"

"What do I want for what?"

"What do you want me to do so you won't tell anyone my secret?"

"I want you to give me gills."

"Wha-- I can't do that."

"Laser sharks?"

"I don't think they exist…"

"Well then, there's nothing you can give me--"

"Please! I'll do anything, you just _can't_ tell anyone!"

"This really has you freaked out, doesn't it Scooter?"

"If you tell, you're not just ruining my life--"

"That's what I want."

"You want to ruin my life?!"

"Yes. The most effective way of doing that it seems is by telling everyone your secret. Now, it is ten-thirty, I need to go mop in front of the nurse's station…"

Whistling a happy tune the Janitor pushes his bucket out the door.

_Oh crap…he NEVER whistles… I'm screwed._

* * *

If he was going to do damage control it would be best to go to the gossip equivalent of Wikipedia at Sacred Heart: Laverne.

"Laverne, have you heard anyone talking about me?"

"Why would anyone be talking about you, Q-tip?"

"There is plenty of stuff about me that people would want to talk about, I'll have you know. But I've been hearing things and just to put the rumors to rest, they're not true."

"Who cares?"

"Lots of people!"

"Mmmmhmmm…"

"There is a particularly juicy rumor that may be going around about me--"

"What about?"

"--I can't tell you."

"_Mmmmhmmm_…"

"Don't judge me! Just remember: the rumor isn't true."

* * *

If he was going to do damage control, he might have better luck if he went to the gossip equivalent of Google at Sacred Heart: Carla.

"Carla, have you heard any rumors about me recently?"

"Not really, why? Got something juicy you want to share?"

"No! I'm just saying that if you start hearing any rumors they're not true."

"You have to give me more than that… there are a lot of rumors going around, how will I know which one's not true?"

"There are rumors going around about me?"

"Yeah, but really old ones… like that you style your hair like that because you're trying to hide a bald spot."

"WHAT! I am not balding!"

"I'm just tellin' you what people are saying…"

"Well that one's not true either."

"C'mon, J.D., you have to at least give me the topic of the rumor…"

"Fine… it has to do with my love life…"

"Psht, I know you're not seeing anybody, when would you have the time -- you're seeing somebody? Oh J.D., please not Elliot--"

"No! I'm not dating Elliot! I'm not dating anyone, but someone may be trying to spread rumors that I am, and I'm not. So, the rumors, not true."

"Alright, J.D.," Carla says, but she's looking at him funny… like she can see through him.

_Crap…_"Hey! Hey, J.D.!"

* * *

If he was going to do damage control, he may as well do it with the Sacred Heart equivalent of MSN Search (rarely useful, but it's right there so why the hell not…): Elliot.

"Hey, Elliot, I wanted to talk to you--"

"J.D. why do I keep hearing these _rumors_ about you?"

"What rumors?!"

"That's what I keep asking everybody! There's a rumor that there's a rumor going around about you, but no one knows what it _is_. What's going on?"

"There's no rumors, Elliot…"

"Oh, there's something alright," Carla smirks, popping out of nowhere like magic _Maybe she's part rabbit_. "He's been asking us whether we've heard any rumors about him, which means he thinks there's something juicy that's about to come out…"

"C'mon J.D., tell us we're your friends, well I don't know how close you are to Laverne…"

"There. Are. NO. Rumors."

Great, he's just made it worse… they'll be on the hunt for rumors now… He can see them dressed like English explorers with giant pith helmets and elephant guns peeking through the tall grass…

"I heard a rumor about him..."

"Really, Janitor?"

"Sure, blonde doctor--"

"I AM NOT GAY AND I'LL PROVE IT!"

Then he grabs Elliot and kisses her, Hollywood style, bending her back and lots of tongue. It's not bad… but it's not what he wants. Elliot lets out a tiny groan as their kiss deepens and seems to go on forever … why can't he stop kissing her? She's going to get the wrong the idea and then their secret will be out anyway…

Loud, slow claps finally enable him to break the kiss from hell… turning behind him he sees Dr. Kelso coming out of his office, following closely behind him is _Oh FUCK_, Perry.

"Bravo, Newbie, Brah-VOH! Glad you finally stopped fighting your impulses and came out of the closet with _Barbie_. C'mon everyone, a round of applause for the happy couple," Perry glares at the rest of the staff who have miraculously appeared until they all start applauding.

Who knew the sound of clapping hands could be so painful.

"Alright," Perry snaps, punctuating it with a loud whistle that makes everyone stop clapping at once. "Everyone, let's leave the lovebirds alone… Show's over."

The glare Perry gives him before he storms off towards the cafeteria is like being splashed with acid.

"J.D. I--I didn't know you still _felt_ that way about me--"

"Sweetheart, Dr. Dorian is gayer than a handbag full of rainbows…" Kelso cheerfully informs everyone. "Or at least his boyfriend thought so…"

"I can't believe you'd play him like that! I can't believe he didn't _tell_ me…" Carla snarls, giving him an angry look, before she storms off after Perry.

No one hides gossip from Carla, especially people she considers best friends, like Perry. Poor Perry, finding your boyfriend kissing another woman and having to deal with a pissed Carla on the same day…

"I can't believe you kissed me to prove you were straight! This is Jason and my brother Barry all over again!" Elliot shrieks before slapping him across the face and running down towards the on-call lounge.

Then there were three: him, Laverne (who'd started flipping through patient files as if a major catastrophe hadn't unfolded right in front of her), and the Janitor-- who's just swabbed a mop down the front of his scrubs…_ Wonderful_. His boyfriend, his best friend's wife and his other best friend are all pissed at him and he's got wet scrubs.

"You hurt blonde-doctor. I'll get you for that."

"It's your fault I kissed her! You were the one saying you had this big secret about me and Perry--"

"The secret was that angry-doctor doesn't like you, and now he doesn't," The Janitor smirks, before pushing his mop down the hall….

"Alright, just say it."

"Say what, Q-tip?"

"Oh you're just waiting to say something. You're always 'Mmmhmm'ing…"

"Mmmhhmm…"

"There we go. Told you people would want to talk about me."

"Q-tip, nobody cares. You and Dr. Reid, you and Dr. Cox, either were going to happen. It's old news. Now if Dr. Cox was sleeping with Dr. Reid, THAT'D be news…"

* * *

The hospital doesn't cut him a break and give him time to track down Perry until four hours after he kissed Elliot and basically nuked his whole relationship with everyone. Worse still, Laverne was right and no one seemed to _CARE_… if he was going to have a major breakup take place in the middle of the hospital they could at least have the decency to acknowledge it happened.

He finds Perry slouched in a chair, glaring at the television in the on call room. He doesn't even look away from the soap playing as J.D. opens the door. _Great… I've been nothing'd_…

"It didn't mean anything…"

"Re-heeally? That's so nawt _interesting._ I don't care what you do. Kiss whoever you want, Barbie, Kelso, Laverne, the mop jockey…"

Perry's in sarcasm mode, perfect. They'll never get anything resolved like this…

"Look, I know I shouldn't have kissed Elliot, but it was for a good reason."

"And what could that _possibly_ be? Did she manage to asphyxiate herself by speaking too fast and you had to give her emergency resuscitation?"

"_Perry_, will you look at me? Please? I'm sorry, this whole mess is my fault, I know--"

Perry stares stubbornly at the TV, the only indication that he's even listening is that he's crossed his arms over his chest.

Fine, if Perry would rather sulk than deal with him, well, he can be just a obstinate. He turns off the TV, and Perry swipes his nose. Gathering his courage he bends down and braces his arms on each arm of Perry's chair, giving him no choice but to look him in the eye.

_Oh shit, he's really really pissed…_

"I'm sorry I kissed Elliot, I'm sorry you walked in on it. The Janitor cornered me earlier today and told me that he had a secret about you and me, and he was going to tell everyone. I know how much you value your privacy, and how bad it'd be if it got out that the two of us were seeing each other, so I was trying to make sure that if he did tell anyone no one would believe him," He sighs loudly, but Perry seems to be softening just a little bit… well he hasn't hit him yet so that's a great sign. "Only I wound up making it worse and everyone started asking _what_ rumor wasn't true, then the Janitor showed up and I panicked-"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You'd kill him! And I wanted to show you that I could do it on my own… not that it worked because apparently even Kelso knows about us now."

"Certainly a valiant effort… Don't think I would've been able to stick my tongue down Barbie's throat to prove my heterosexuality," Perry grumbles, uncrossing his arms. "And Kelso knows because I told him this morning, when I turned in my recommendation for Chief Resident. I had to tell him otherwise it'd look like I was favoring you."

"Really? So you're not mad?"

"Oh, wait until we get home… I'm going to show your ass just how gay you are. I'd be more concerned about Barbie though--"

"Elliot? Yeah she's upset but I'm sure if I explain--"

"She's going to be your co-Chief Resident, I recommended you both and Kelso agreed."

"Oh Frick…"


	23. I Got You Babe

Title: I Got You Babe

Prompt: 23. Go Somewhere New

AN: Do not own song "I Got You Babe" by Sonny and Cher

* * *

"So… you and Dr. Cox?"

"Yep, me and Dr. Cox."

"Wow… this is going to take me some time to process Vanilla Bear…"

"It's okay, Chocolate Bear, I understand. I don't think I've processed it completely."

"You've been seeing him all this time and you didn't tell anyone?"

"We wanted to keep it on the down low…"

"We or he?"

"We agreed that we'd both get in trouble if anyone knew. They'd have made me transfer to a different hospital and then we'd never see each other C-bear."

"I suppose… it's just so hard to imagine. You and _Dr. Cox_… He's such a jerk."

"He is."

"He's not good enough for you, V-bear."

"You don't think anyone is good enough for me, C-bear. Perry's got lots of great qualities, he's just really good at hiding them."

"I guess… as long as he makes you happy. And if he ever makes you unhappy, I'll kick his ass."

"Thanks."

"So Jack is Dr. Cox's son?"

"Yep. You can hold him, you know, he doesn't bite."

"He was produced by a devil woman and the angriest man I've ever met; him biting me is the least of my worries."

"Jack's a great baby… I think he has magical powers. He's the only one who can get Jordan and Perry all mushy…"

"Dr. Cox and Jordan Sullivan, mushy? I'll believe it when I see it."

"It's true! Even before Perry knew Jack was his kid, he'd drop everything if he heard Jack so much as a sniffle. One time he left in the middle of going down on me--"

"Oh god, I didn't need that image… and are you sure you should say that in front of the baby?"

"He doesn't understand, at least that's what Perry and Jordan say. That's tame compared to some of the things they say…"

"Well, at least that sounds like them… so why do you have the baby?"

"Perry's on duty and Jordan's at the spa, so they left him with me."

"And they trust you with him?"

"Of course they--"

"_There's no way my ringtone's going to be 'I Got You Babe', Newbie, now answer the damn phone! There's no way my ringtone's going to be 'I Got You Babe', Newbie, now answer the damn phone!"_

"--do. That's Perry."

"Never would've guessed."

"Here, take Jack, I'd better get this… Hey Perry! -- Yes, Jack's with me -- I'm at the park with Turk -- _YES_, I remembered his bottle and the diaper bag -- _and _the hand sanitizer. -- Of course I made Turk wash his hands before touching Jack. -- Perry, everything's fine, I'll see you tonight. Loveyoubye! "

_Click_

"Wow…"

"Perry's a little bit paranoid sometimes…"

"Really. Huh. I hope Carla doesn't get that way when she gets pregnant--"

"You're having a _**baby!!**_"

"No! Not yet… Carla wants to though, I'm not sure I'm ready…"

"I think you'll be an awesome dad, C-bear. Jack likes you--"

"I know, I know, it's just a lot of responsibility. We just got married."

"Yeah…"

"It's hard sometimes, but fun though, even though I'm not really Jack's parent--"

"Dude, someone's got to be a normal influence for this kid. Looks like it's you, V-bear."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. It'll be okay, C-bear."

"Thanks, man."


	24. Our Relationship

Title: Our Relationship

Prompt: 24. Writer's Choice

* * *

Large glass of diet soda? Check.

Large bowl of popcorn? Check.

A giant bag of pixy sticks? Check.

The remote? Che--

"Thanks for keeping it warm for me, Newbie," Perry smirks, snatching the remote before gracefully vaulting over the couch.

"Hey! I was going to watch something!"

"Should've been quicker," Perry mutters, stretching out on the couch and punching in the channel numbers.

"You stole it right from-- You're going to watch the Olympic opening cermonies?"

"I always watch them."

"Oh." Well, there's an interesting piece of trivia he hadn't known… huh. "That's what I was going to watch."

"Good for you," Perry grumbles, dropping his head into J.D.'s lap.

"Hey! Watch Mr. Peep!"

"Oh please, I wasn't anywhere near that."

The ceremonies start and it's one of the best he's ever seen, the sheer number of people out on that field, the drums, the lights, the dancing…

"Hmph, nice subtle way to say 'if it weren't for us you'd still be in caves'…"

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't see it? The fireworks, the giant scroll, the dancing blocks? They're trying to remind everyone that they invented it first. As if we'll forget that they're a oppressive dictatorship."

"That's pretty cynical…"

"Don't be such an innocent. It worked for Hitler, Berlin Olympics, 1936."

"All of that is a part of their history…"

"So is communism, the opium trade and boiling caterpillars. Funny that those aren't mentioned. This is all a bullshit song and dance to try and reform their image to the rest of the world. Every opening ceremony is like that."

"That's so pessimistic, I don't know why you bother getting up in the morning if you think like that. The Olympics are all about peace and coming together--"

"No, the Olympics are all about competition, only instead of using weapons, we're using people to fight for us in a non-violent manner. It's all about national pride…"

"And you've ruined it for me…"

"Oh come on, they haven't even got to the parade of nations yet."

"_Ruined_," He emphasizes point by pinching Perry's side, causing him to flinch. "I'm never going to be able to watch the Olympics without thinking about it as a big grudge match."

"Well, they are…"

J.D. sighs, and wonders what weapon Sarah Brightman would chose in a no-holds-barred grudge match… _Sword? No… Chandelier? No, where would she hang it… maybe if it were a miniature chandelier she could swing it over her head and throw it at people…_

"It is nice, though, that everyone in the world can come together now, and live in the same general area for two weeks without killing each other over their country's disagreements."

"That hurt, didn't it?"

"Like you wouldn't believe…"

"I give you a five for the effort."

"Hmph… I should defect for that."

"Please, no one else would put up with your bullshit..."

A comfortable silence settles around them as they continue to watch the ceremonies… his fingers twine themselves in Perry's warm curls.

"I need to get a haircut…"

"You should grow it out."

"If it gets any longer I'm going to be giving that hook-handed security guard serious competition in afro growing."

"What would the training regime for that be? Endurance blow-drying? Power moussing?"

"You forgot speed-picking -- Whoof! What the hell are they wearing!? What were they thinking with those floral suits? Those Hungarians look like geriatric weightlifters in drag…"

"When did you get so gay?"

"Probably that night you got me drunk on Jager, brought me to your place and took advantage of my vulnerable state."

"Wha-- Hey now, I seem to recall some mutual advantage taking that night. I wasn't exactly sober either."

"You remember more than me, which means it was your idea."

Normally at this point he'd pout about Perry making it all his 'fault'; which Perry will take as a win. Maybe it's time he gave the gold-medal favorite some competition…

"So you're saying I ravished you?"

"What!? No--"

"You said I got you drunk, took you to my place and had my wicked way with you. That means I'm the ravisher and you're _**THE GIRL**_."

Perry sits up quickly, blushing and eyes sparkling with anger.

"I am NAWT the girl! Never have been--"

He interrupts Perry mid-rant with a kiss… Perry must not be too miffed since he joins in pretty quickly… their tongues wrestle for a moment before he slips his inside Perry's mouth and finds that spot, right behind Perry's front teeth on the roof of his mouth…

Perry's soft moan as he wraps his arms around J.D.'s neck tells him he's found the right spot… He pulls back slowly, unable to hide a smirk.

"Told you. Girl."

"Tease," Perry grumbles, dropping his head onto J.D.'s shoulder.

"After they light the torch we'll go back and have our own little ceremony in the bedroom…"

"That doesn't even work as an innuendo."

"Can't win them all."

"Me: 150,394,5901. You: 1."

"I think you've been rigging the scores, I'm pretty sure I've got more than one point."

"Why don't you just report me to the international sarcasm committee then?"

"Oh, I will, after I take you back and ravish you again."

"I let you have that one, only because it's the only way you'd ever score a point."

"Uh huh, you're still the girl."

"In your dreams…"

"Whatever makes you feel better."

"I didn't teach you sarcasm so you could use it for evil."

"You only think it's evil because I'm using it against you."

"I taught you too well…"

"Shhh, they're about to light the torch."

AN: This marks the end of 'I Discovered You'. Thanks to everyone who stuck it out a whole year plus since it began. Special thanks goes to nighthawk who read and critiqued many of these stories, and reassured my neuroses. Go check out her stuff, it's awesome! Thanks also goes to Elise Davidson, the creator of the 'My Discovery' table, without which this whole series (all 66 PAGES of it), would not have been possible.


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